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How West Park Secondary School have been changing

How West Park Secondary School have been changing qdjG
As we know, technology has been improving through the years rapidly. Cars and transportation systems have been implementing this technologies so people can choose how they would prefer to move throughout their cities. Cars now are much more technological than before and we even have electrical cars that do not contaminate as before. But ways of transportation have not only improved in a technological way. Also, this kind of new technological transportation methods are more accesible and now more people can afford them. Some years ago, it was ridiculously expensive to buy a car. This was because it was more difficult for the companies to fabricate cars in a daily basis. Actually, there were hand made. So this made cars have high prices. Now, as technology is even more developed, big machineries are implemented in the factories and they produce cars in a faster way. This causes that are cars can available for selling, and so they can be cheaper. Now, people that can afford cars, they prefer to buy one than to use some other public transport such as buses or subways. They believe that owning a car can give you more time to do your own things because it will decrease you time in transportation. But this belief is not that accurate. Now, as there are more cars, traffic jams can be horrible and the entire cities can collapse for just one accident. The question here is, what is the government doing to solve this problem? In my view, and using Mexico City as an example, the local government is not doing anything. People who own car still prefer to use them even if there are terrible traffic jams, due to insecurity, and because the public transportation system of the city is a complete fail. At 7pm, in Mexico City when all the people that works on offices finish their daily routine, you will find almost impossible to use the subway because of all that people that uses that transportation system. I believe that the government should invest in having a better quality in public transportation and also be sure that those systems are as safe as driving your own car.
As we know, technology has been improving through the years
rapidly
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cars
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
systems have been implementing
Did you mean "these"?
this
technologies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can choose how they would prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
throughout their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cars
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
now
are much more technological than
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
before and
we even have electrical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
that do not contaminate as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
ways of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
have not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
Consider replacing "in a technological way" with the adverb for "technological"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a technological way
.
Also
, this kind of new technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
methods are more
Possible spelling mistake found.
accesible
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
now
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can afford them.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
years ago, it was
ridiculously
expensive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
. This was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it was more difficult for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to fabricate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
in a daily basis. Actually, there were hand made.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
have high prices.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Now
, as technology is even more developed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
Possible spelling mistake found.
machineries
are implemented
in the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
factories and
they produce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
in a faster way. This causes that are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
can available for selling, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can be cheaper.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that can afford
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
, they prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
Use "oner" to make a comparison with this adjective.
one
than to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other public transport such as buses or subways. They believe that owning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
can give you more time to do your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will decrease you time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
this belief is not that accurate.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Now
, as there are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
, traffic jams can be horrible and the entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
can collapse for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one accident.

The question here is, what is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
doing to solve this problem? In my view, and using Mexico City as an example, the local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is not doing anything.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
still
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them even if there are terrible traffic jams, due to insecurity, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
system of the city is a complete fail. At 7pm, in Mexico City when all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that works on offices finish their daily routine, you will find almost impossible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the subway
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of all that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
system.

I believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should invest in having a better quality in public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
and
also
be sure that those systems are as safe as driving your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
.
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IELTS essay How West Park Secondary School have been changing

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
363 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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