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favourite your role model

favourite your role model Kl7BL
A role model is someone with good qualities that we can fight for and work hard to achieve. We may easily find numerous role models in glossy magazines or the internet. Many important qualities of the role model are faded by my father - who always calmly inspires willpower, empathy, and healthy life. The first thing is he always has the willpower to deal with problematic situations. My father's family used to be so poor that they couldn't pay for schooling fees. However he overcame adversity and continued to go to school by trying to get a scholarship at his school. As a result, it became a reality, he had overcome poor circumstances and motivated me by his willpower. In addition, I can not find anyone who has empathy like my father. He is a taciturn man, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't concern for his family. As well as many other Asian fathers. His concern is not shown in his face, it tends to be expressed in his actions. When I got bad results in my studies, he was the one who paid the most attention to how I felt. After that, he will share useful lessons and experiences to motivate me to share some of the bad moods that I am suffering. Last but not least, one of the most meaningful things he has inspired me that is his healthy life. He was very tired after work, he still exercised with me every evening. The workload always puts him under pressure every day, but not because of that, he turns to nicotine, but instead, he will share it with his family to relieve stress. In conclusion, many people have someone to look up to as their models. For me, that is no one else but my father. No matter how he shows his qualities are impressive or not. He is always my impeccable role model. Last but not least, in addition, the first thing Willpower, empathetic person, healthy life. Although he did not force me to do what he used to do, he helped me realize what should be done to develop good qualities like him.
A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
model
is someone with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
that we can fight for and work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve. We may
easily
find numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
models
in glossy magazines or the internet.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
model
are faded
by my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
who always
calmly
inspires willpower, empathy, and healthy life.

The
first
thing is he always has the willpower to deal with problematic situations. My father's family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
poor that they couldn't pay for schooling fees.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
he overcame adversity and continued to go to school by trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a scholarship at his school.
As a result
, it became a reality, he had overcome poor circumstances and motivated me by his willpower.
In addition
, I can not find anyone who has empathy like my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
. He is a taciturn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it doesn't mean that he doesn't concern for his family.
As well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other Asian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
. His concern is not shown in his face, it tends to
be expressed
in his actions. When I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
results in my studies, he was the one who paid the most attention to how I felt. After that, he will share useful lessons and experiences to motivate me to share
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
moods that I am suffering. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, one of the most meaningful things he has inspired me
that is
his healthy life. He was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tired after work, he
still
exercised with me every evening. The workload always puts him under pressure every day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that, he turns to nicotine,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
instead
, he will share it with his family to relieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have someone to look up to as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
models
. For me,
that is
no one else
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
. No matter how he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
are impressive or not. He is always my impeccable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
model.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
in addition
, the
first
thing

Willpower, empathetic person, healthy life. Although he did not force me to do what he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to do, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me realize what should
be done
to develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
like him.
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IELTS essay favourite your role model

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
359 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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