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equal numbers of students

equal numbers of students oE6wB
It is said that in colleges, there should be same numbers of students by their gender. I strongly disagree with the statement of admitting students based on their sex or any criteria, except academic success. First of all, the universities are the home of science and technology. These type of institutions should have only one principle which is success, for its applications. Because science can proceed with open minded people. For example, in the universities of developed countries, namely Germany or USA, they admit their students regardless of their sexuality, that is why these countries are developing rapidly. Another reason is that, if the universities accepted same numbers of students based on their gender, it would occur an unequal situation for successful students. Due to this policy, clever pupils may not enter the qualified universities only for the sex criteria. Finally, in the long-term this policy can reduce actions of universities in scientific areas. On the other hand, we live in unequal world to women. In business world there is still minority of female workers and this is the problem should be solved. Therefore female students should be supported by governments or universities with aids such as scholarships. However, these helps should not lead to any disadvantages for male students. To sum up, even there is an unequal situations for the women employees in work life, accepting students by their sexuality can causes more problems to the universities such as decrease of success. Female pupils should be promoted with grants for the academic equality.
It
is said
that in colleges, there should be same numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
by their gender. I
strongly
disagree with the statement of admitting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
based on their sex or any criteria, except academic success.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
are the home of science and technology. These type of institutions should have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one principle which is success, for its applications.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
science can proceed with
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
open minded
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For example
, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
,
namely
Germany or USA, they admit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
regardless of their sexuality,
that is
why these countries are developing
rapidly
. Another reason is that, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
same numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
based on their gender, it would occur an unequal situation for successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Due to this policy, clever pupils may not enter the qualified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the sex criteria.
Finally
, in the long-term this policy can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
actions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
in scientific areas.

On the other hand
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in unequal world to women. In business world there is
still
minority of female workers and this is the problem should
be solved
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
be supported
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
with aids such as scholarships.
However
, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
should not lead to any disadvantages for male students.

To sum up, even there is an unequal
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "situation"?
situations
for the women employees in work life, accepting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
by their sexuality can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "cause"
causes
more problems to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
such as decrease of success. Female pupils should
be promoted
with grants for the academic equality.
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IELTS essay equal numbers of students

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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