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entertainers(e.g film stars,pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money.

entertainers(e. g film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. 3JDl
Some people feel entertainers(e. g film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? I agree that celebrities are usually paid too much money for their performance. However, there are several other professions who are making great contributions to society, should also be paid handsome salaries. Indeed, many celebrities are paid high salaries than other occupations. This may be because, these stars are performing for wider audiences and they are responsible for portraying good image and deliver message to audience. Furthermore, their working life span is limited, unlike other professionals. For instance, film stars work depend on their physical appearance, therefore they have to maintain in order to get work. With the age they may get reduced projects to work on. Moreover, their privacy is also suffered as they are always in media spotlight. Hence, these may be the reasons why they are justified to be paid high salaries. I believe, there are some other professions who also deserve to be paid good salary package. Because they are also making great contributions towards society and humanity. For instance, doctors and medical staff are working day and night to help patients in coping their diseases. They are underpaid in many nations. Proper remuneration package and training should be provided to keep them updated with latest technology and to motivate them towards this noble cause. To conclude, I agree celebrities earn high salaries, yet it is not possible to justify their high salaries with the salary package of other professionals. Other professionals such as doctors and other medical staff also deserve to be paid a lucrative salary to encourage them towards their professional obligations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel entertainers(e. g film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
, pop musicians or sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars)
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
too much money. Do you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
or disagree? Which
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other
types of jobs should be
highly
paid?

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that celebrities are
usually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
too much money for their performance.
However
, there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions who are making great contributions to society, should
also
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
handsome salaries.

Indeed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
celebrities are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
occupations. This may be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
are performing for wider
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
audiences and
they are responsible for portraying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
image and deliver message to audience.
Furthermore
, their working life span
is limited
, unlike
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
.
For instance
, film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
work depend on their physical appearance,
therefore
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
maintain in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
work. With the age they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
projects to work on.
Moreover
, their privacy is
also
suffered as they are always in media spotlight.
Hence
, these may be the reasons why they
are justified
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
salaries.

I believe, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions who
also
deserve to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
package.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they are
also
making great contributions towards society and humanity.
For instance
, doctors and medical staff are working day and night to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
patients in coping their diseases. They are underpaid in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations. Proper remuneration package and training should
be provided
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them updated with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technology and to motivate them towards this noble cause.

To conclude
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
celebrities earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
,
yet
it is not possible to justify their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
package of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
such as doctors and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
medical staff
also
deserve to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
a lucrative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
to encourage them towards their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
obligations.
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IELTS essay entertainers(e. g film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
289 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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