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Does the violence in the media and games affect the behavior of the society?

Does the violence in the media and games affect the behavior of the society? 22jw
Undoubtedly, entertainment plays a leading role in people's life nowadays presented in media, video games which generates an argues about their affection on people's behaviors specially the amount of violence in them. Some people believe that the amount of violence in media and video games increases the amount of violence in the society. In other words, They are referring to the dramatically surge of crimes since the appearance of the media in the middle of last century. Nevertheless, Other people holding the belief that there is no relation between the crime levels in the society and the violence inside media and games. Of course, It depends on the rising atmosphere and the cultural nature which forms the awareness of the society. Therefore, I believe that we have to put restrictions in order to control the media industry to prevent the society the severe behavioral distortion. Thus, We have done out responsibility the way it has to be. Then, We hand over the responsibility to the upcoming generation in order their part as well.
Undoubtedly
, entertainment plays a leading role in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life nowadays presented in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, video games which generates an argues about their affection on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's behaviors
specially
the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in them.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and video games increases the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in the society.
In other words
, They are referring to the
dramatically
surge of crimes since the appearance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
in the middle of last century.

Nevertheless
, Other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
holding the belief that there is no relation between the crime levels in the society and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
inside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and games.
Of course
, It depends on the rising atmosphere and the cultural nature which forms the awareness of the society.

Therefore
, I believe that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
put restrictions in order to control the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
industry to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the society the severe behavioral distortion.

Thus
, We have done out responsibility the way it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be. Then, We hand over the responsibility to the upcoming generation in order their part
as well
.
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IELTS essay Does the violence in the media and games affect the behavior of the society?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
173 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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