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Does it help students if parents pay for their university education?

Does it help students if parents pay for their university education? YLR6K
A study from the University of California compares children versus parents paying for their studies and the results are contradictory: On one hand the more parents pay, the worse children’s grades because they spend too much time on leisure activities. On the other hand, if parents pay for children’s education, fewer children leave before graduating than if children pay for their own education. So, does it help students if parents pay for their university education? An established view was that if children find a job, this distracts them from their studies. This could be due to the fact that they have less time to dedicate to lessons and to study. In fact, as explained by the second result, if parents pay, children are less tempted to leave the university before graduating and it could be because they have only one task: to study. But paying for their own studies can also be extra stimulating for them: in fact, as is highlighted by the first finding, children whose parents are paying have a lot of free time that also could distract them from studies. From my point of view, children who pay for thier own studies are more motivated, because they are making sacrifices for a better future. Of course, it could be difficult to get organized in order to succeed, but if they are really motivated, they can do it.
A
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study
from the University of California compares
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children
versus
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parents
paying for their
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studies
and the results are contradictory:

On one hand the more
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parents
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pay
, the worse
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children’s
grades
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spend too much time on leisure activities.
On the other hand
, if
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parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
for
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children’s
education, fewer
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children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
graduating than if
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children
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pay
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
education.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, does it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
for their university education?

An established view was that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
find a job, this distracts them from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. This could be due to the fact that they have less time to dedicate to lessons and to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
. In fact, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
by the second result, if
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parents
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pay
,
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children
are less tempted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the university
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
graduating and it could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one task: to
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study
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
paying for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
can
also
be extra stimulating for them: in fact, as
is highlighted
by the
first
finding,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are paying have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
free time that
also
could distract them from studies.

From my point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
for
Possible spelling mistake found.
thier
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
are more motivated,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are making sacrifices for a better future.
Of course
, it could be difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
organized in order to succeed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if they are
really
motivated, they can do it.
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IELTS essay Does it help students if parents pay for their university education?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
230 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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