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Do you want to spend your extra earnings on your comfort materials or you will take your parents to a vacation or concert. . . Give points and examples. v.2

Do you want to spend your extra earnings on your comfort materials or you will take your parents to a vacation or concert. . . Give points and examples. v. 2
I believe that it is better to show some gratitude to your parents rather than feeling regret once you lost them. Therefore, if I get extra earnings I would rather prefer to spend money by taking my parents on vacation or concert than spending on my own comfort because of several reasons. I would like to further illustrate my point by giving few reasons. Firstly, my parents sacrifices in life made it possible for me to achieve my desired job. Therefore, they deserves everything I own. As for example, I belong to a middle class family and both my parents worked hard in their entire lives to pay my tuition fees. I should not forget that my father took a loan for me to get me into the well-known school of physical therapy in my country. They deserve everything that I earn. And I am not a kind of person who puts personal comforts first and parents second. And now my parents are retired and taking care of my children whenever I go to job, they would appreciate If I will offer them to go to the concert or vacation with me and my kids. Secondly, I am fortunate enough of getting really fun-loving and straight-forward parents. They are like my friends first and then parents. As for example, I still remember when I wen to the live concert in my hometown with my parents few years ago. They were singing and dancing along with the other audiences. Laughter would enhance their fitness and health. And I want my parents to live healthy and longer. Therefore, It' s very important to take them on a vacation or in live concert for their longevity. Thirdly, in order to get respect by my grand children and children I should fist learn how to give respect to my parents. As for example, I used to go to the vacation with my parents when I was young and I still have those pictures as a memory. My parents provided me whatever I wanted during childhood. I have also gotten several gifts during my every birthdays. I would like to be like them as a parent and want my children to give me love and respect when I will get old. Therefore, it is very important to go to vacation or in concert with my parents once I started earning extra money On the other hand, happiness of my parents make me more comfortable rather than those materialistic comfort. I would consider my self lucky by seeing my mother' s smiling face and satisfaction in her eyes with joyous moment we spend together. In conclusion, because of the above mentioned reasons I would spend my extra earnings on providing good time to the parents. I would like to make them realize that I appreciate all those sacrifices they have made in their lives by making me a successful person by spending a quality of time with them
I believe that it is better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
gratitude to your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
rather
than feeling regret once you lost them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, if I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
extra earnings I would
rather
prefer to spend money by taking my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
than spending on my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
comfort
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of several reasons. I would like to
further
illustrate my point by giving few reasons.

Firstly
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
sacrifices in life made it possible for me to achieve my desired job.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "deserve"
deserves
everything I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. As
for example
, I belong to a middle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
family and both my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in their entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
to pay my tuition fees. I should not forget that my father took a loan for me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
me into the well-known school of physical therapy in my country. They deserve everything that I earn. And I am not a kind of person who puts personal comforts
first
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
second. And
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are retired
and taking care of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whenever I go to job, they would appreciate If I will offer them to go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
with me and my kids.

Secondly
, I am fortunate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
of getting
really
fun-loving and straight-forward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. They are like my friends
first
and then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. As
for example
, I
still
remember when
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'I'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
I wen
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
in my hometown with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
few years ago. They were singing and dancing along with the other audiences. Laughter would enhance their fitness and health. And I want my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
healthy and longer.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
It&
#039; s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to take them on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
or in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
for their longevity.

Thirdly
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
respect by my grand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
I should fist learn how to give respect to my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. As
for example
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
when I was young and I
still
have those pictures as a memory. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
provided me whatever I wanted during childhood. I have
also
gotten several gifts during my every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "birthday"?
birthdays
. I would like to be like them as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
and want my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to give me
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and respect when I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
or in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
once I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
earning extra money

On the other hand
, happiness of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
me more comfortable
rather
than those materialistic comfort. I would consider my self lucky by seeing my
Possible spelling mistake found.
mother&
#039; s smiling face and satisfaction in her eyes with joyous moment we spend together.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the above mentioned reasons I would spend my extra earnings on providing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
time to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. I would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them realize that I appreciate all those sacrifices they have made in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
by making me a successful person by spending a quality of time with
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
them
23Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you want to spend your extra earnings on your comfort materials or you will take your parents to a vacation or concert. . . Give points and examples. v. 2

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
491 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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