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Do you think extreme sports are good are should be avoided?

Do you think extreme sports are good are should be avoided? E391D
Extreme sports or adventurous sports such as skiing, sky-diving, mountain biking, rock climbing, parachuting, bungee-jumping and scuba-diving have become popular activities today. Some people think that they are good sports, thrilling and boosting their mental health, while others argue that they are very dangerous and harmful. I am inclined to believe that these sports are in fact dangerous and they should not be promoted. The following paragraphs will analyze their disadvantages and suggest other better sports for people to participate. First of all, though the extreme sports help to build confidence, motivation, fulfillment and happy and also to get rid of frustration, stress and other bad emotions, they are quite perilous and risky to human life. These kinds of sports have always chances of fatal accidents that will happen. Also family, relatives and friends worry about us and our safety. For instance, Formula One world champion Michael Schumacher met with an accident while skiing and is still suffering from serious head injury. Second of all, there are a variety of other forms of sports that are just as exhilarating and interesting as extreme sports for people to play. They are not only safer but also bring a feeling of relaxation and entertainment to players. For example, sports such as tennis, football, volleyball and cricket are tremendously fun, good to physical health and also safe. In conclusion, the foregoing discussion propounds the view that extreme sports are extremely dangerous and should not be recommended to people to participate. Further, it is expected that the people make cognizance of the fact and the governments must create awareness to educate people about the disadvantages of extreme sports.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or adventurous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as skiing, sky-diving, mountain biking, rock climbing, parachuting, bungee-jumping and scuba-diving have become popular activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, thrilling and boosting their mental health, while others argue that they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and harmful. I
am inclined
to believe that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are in fact
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
dangerous and
they should not
be promoted
. The following paragraphs will analyze their disadvantages and suggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to participate.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, though the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to build confidence, motivation, fulfillment and happy and
also
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of frustration,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
emotions, they are quite perilous and risky to human life. These kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have always chances of fatal accidents that will happen.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
family, relatives and friends worry about us and our safety.
For instance
, Formula One world champion Michael Schumacher met with an accident while skiing and is
still
suffering from serious head injury.

Second of all, there are a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
forms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
that are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as exhilarating and interesting as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to play. They are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
safer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
bring a feeling of relaxation and entertainment to players.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as tennis, football, volleyball and cricket are
tremendously
fun,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to physical health and
also
safe.

In conclusion
, the foregoing discussion propounds the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and should not
be recommended
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to participate.
Further
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
cognizance of the fact and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
create awareness to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the disadvantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
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IELTS essay Do you think extreme sports are good are should be avoided?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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