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Do you agree or disagree with the following paragraphs? Most advertisements make products seems much better than they really are. v.1

Most advertisements make products seems much better than they really are. v. 1
People have different views on whether the museum should be used for education or entertainment. Although educating the civilizations through the museum is crucial, I believe that these could also be used as a source of entertainment. At the outset, one main reason that museums are needed to be used for educational purpose is that these can work as live presentations. As various subjects related to History and Art have been read by people in their schools and institutions, but not every person is capable to remember longer theoretical texts. Thus, by visiting such places the practical aspects of that particular subject have been accomplished and in-depth knowledge can be required. To exemplify, a report produced by the Education Department states that school children who have visited museums can have 60% more grip on the subject of history. On the other hand, by making the museums more enjoyable, more benefit could be achieved. Firstly, due to the influence of cinema and theatre, if we can make museums more entertaining, more visitors and tourists can get attracted towards these significant places. So from an economic viewpoint, by charging reasonable fees, this money could be used for the maintenance of ancient artefacts. Secondly, by increasing the number of tourists, museums can bring laurels to the country. The Madame Tussaud, a wax museum, is a good example of this which has brought a sense of pride for London on the world level. Thirdly, the information could be grasped more easily if it is provided enjoyably. Because learners are more open to the facts and hence, from my viewpoint, entertainment is also beneficial in the field of education, if it is used in museums. In conclusion, it is a matter of debate that what should be the purpose of museums. While museums can be used for providing information, I believe that it' should be entertaining to increase the influence on the public.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views on whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for education or entertainment. Although educating the civilizations through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
is crucial, I believe that these could
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a source of entertainment.

At the outset, one main reason that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are needed
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for educational purpose is that these can work as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
presentations. As various subjects related to History and Art have
been read
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in their schools and institutions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not every person is capable to remember longer theoretical texts.
Thus
, by visiting such places the practical aspects of that particular subject have
been accomplished
and in-depth knowledge can
be required
. To exemplify, a report produced by the Education Department states that school children who have visited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
can have 60% more grip on the subject of history.

On the other hand
, by making the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
more enjoyable, more benefit could
be achieved
.
Firstly
, due to the influence of cinema and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
, if we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
more entertaining, more visitors and tourists can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attracted towards these significant places.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
from an economic viewpoint, by charging reasonable fees, this money could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the maintenance of ancient
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
.
Secondly
, by increasing the number of tourists,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
can bring laurels to the country. The Madame Tussaud, a wax
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
, is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this which has brought a sense of pride for London on the world level.
Thirdly
, the information could
be grasped
more
easily
if it
is provided
enjoyably
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
learners are more open to the facts and
hence
, from my viewpoint, entertainment is
also
beneficial in the field of education, if it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in museums.

In conclusion
, it is a matter of debate that what should be the purpose of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for providing information, I believe that it' should be entertaining to increase the influence on the public.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Most advertisements make products seems much better than they really are. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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