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Do u agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

Do u agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity? y7dnl
​In today’s world of living, the main concern is increase in population which is becoming a main problem in many countries. There are many factors that are involved with rise in population around the globe such as industrial revolution, development in health sector, standard of living and reforms in education sectors has made a big impact on the population growth. In this essay, I will discuss about the surge in population growth around the globe. ​On the one hand, industrialization which made many people to acquire good position in companies and well-paid jobs that has led to a better standard of living in the twenty first century. This helped people to avail good treatment for the diseases, which are untreatable, with better technology. For example; a survey conducted by the Department of Health in the year 2011 by German government stated that “people above the age of 60 are getting better health support and living a longer life that has 20 percent significant impact on the population index”. ​On the other hand, overconsumption of the resources has become the main issue for governments and the countries. Since, the life expectancy rates are increased that is showing a direct impact on the supply chain management where the resources are getting dried up rapidly. For instance, the research indicates that, “the consumption of the food in a decade has an upward trend in lot of developing countries”, according to the statistics given by the Times of India article. ​In conclusion, the multiplication in the population number has become an issue in the twenty first century when compared to other problems which is showing a direct influence on many sectors that are not meeting the consumption rates at any cost. To control the sudden out burst in the number, the ruling bodies have to bring new laws regarding the population growth which will help the human kind to live a phosphorous life.
​In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
, the main concern is increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
which is becoming a main problem in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors that
are involved
with rise in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
around the globe such as industrial revolution, development in health sector, standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
and reforms in education sectors has made a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
growth. In this essay, I will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
surge in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
growth around the globe.

​On the one hand, industrialization which made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to acquire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
position in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and well-paid jobs that has led to a better standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in the twenty
first
century. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to avail
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
treatment for the diseases, which are untreatable, with better technology.
For example
; a survey conducted by the Department of Health in the year 2011 by German
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
stated that “
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
above the age of 60 are getting better health support and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
a longer life that has 20 percent significant impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
index”.

​
On the other hand
, overconsumption of the resources has become the main issue for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and the countries.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
, the life expectancy rates
are increased
that is
showing a direct impact on the supply chain management where the resources are getting dried up
rapidly
.
For instance
, the research indicates that, “the consumption of the food in a decade has an upward trend in
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
”, according to the statistics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
the Times of India
article.

​
In conclusion
, the multiplication in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
number has become an issue in the twenty
first
century when compared to other problems which is showing a direct influence on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sectors that are not meeting the consumption rates at any cost. To control the sudden out burst in the number, the ruling bodies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
bring new laws regarding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
growth which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the human kind to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a phosphorous life.
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IELTS essay Do u agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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