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discuss about I.T problems and I.T engineer's value in this world

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One the other hand, computer, and smartphone which are a machine may have an opportunity to be out of order and damaged on one day and as a result, the users will need to contact the vendors to arrange for repairing their fault devices and machines. Not only they cannot use the computers and devices to do their works if these things have been broken or have stopped working, but also spend money on repairing them. Furthermore, each software version including iPhone IOS, window Microsoft OS, Mac OS, and others will be required to be upgraded regularly to the new versions in order to avoid a risk of security alert impact. If the users do not upgrade the new version for their devices regularly, they will be affected by the security alerts, which can damage the system and some functions of the devices. In other words, it is troublesome that I. T technology may cause a lot of technical issues to impact the user's operation although it is helpful for improving the working efficiency. At meanwhile, some people who are doing I. T can show their values in the I. T field that they are mainly responsible for providing I. T technical supports and services for the users who have I. T issues.
Did you mean "on"?
One
the other hand, computer, and smartphone which are a machine may have an opportunity to be out of order and damaged on one day and
as a result
, the users will need to contact the vendors to arrange for repairing their fault
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
and machines. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the computers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
to do their works if these things have
been broken
or have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
working,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
spend money on repairing them.
Furthermore
, each software version including iPhone IOS, window Microsoft OS,
The operating system from Apple is called "macOS"
Mac OS
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
will
be required
to
be upgraded
regularly
to the new versions in order to avoid a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of security alert impact. If the users do not upgrade the new version for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
regularly
, they will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the security alerts, which can damage the system and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
functions of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
.
In other words
, it is troublesome that I. T technology may cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
technical issues to impact the user's operation although it is helpful for improving the working efficiency. At meanwhile,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are doing I. T can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their values in the I. T field that they are
mainly
responsible for providing I. T technical supports and services for the users who have I. T issues.
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IELTS essay discuss about I. T problems and I. T engineer's value in this world

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
213 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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