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Describe your achievements

My life took a turn for good before I even realised it. And even today I find myself in a similar situation, which can have a long-lasting positive impact on my life. My goals, ambitions and my future depends on what I do now. So, In this essay I ll talk about my academic achievements, career goals and the reasons why I think I should be awarded a York University International Scholarship. I stood First in all five years of my Primary School with an average score of 96%. And I was among the top 3 in all five years of my High School with an average of 90%. Out of which I scored 93% in the Secondary School Certificate Board Examinations of my state in my senior 10th grade. In addition, I also received the General proficiency award and the Best Outgoing Student award in my senior year of Highschool. My School's student body is divided into four house colours. Red, Blue, Green and Yellow House. From my 1st year in the school, I have either been a Class leader or a Class House leader till my 8th grade. In my 9th grade, I was appointed as the Deputy General Blue House Leader and in my 10th grade I was appointed as the General Red House Leader of my school. Moreover, I have also been a captain of my respective house's Soccer, Cricket and Basketball teams in the Intramurals every year. Successfully leading my team to the top 2 places in most occasions. In my 9th grade, The Election Commission Of India organized a number of literary and cultural events for highschools across the country. Along with a couple of my batchmates, I participated in the Mock Parliament Event. I prepared the script and lead the practise sessions. I also played the role of The Prime Minister and My School secured 1st place in the whole state in that event. On the other hand, I wish to join the Indian Foreign Services and I want to become a Foreign Ambassador of India. Understanding and learning different cultures and at the same time teaching about the Indian culture is something that I cherish doing. Fortunately, I got this opportunity of becoming an Indian Ambassador and representing India in the United States at a young age. Breaking a number of stereotypes and generalisations about the American culture and bridging the cultural bond between these two countries was one of the best jobs. As a result, my communication skills, decision making, problem solving, Time management, self-awareness, critical and creative thinking skills have evolved immensely. Which ultimately contributes to my leadership skills. I am a much more well equipped version of myself than I was yesterday. I deserve this prestigious York Scholarship because I believe that I can stand up to the expectations people have from me. I am determined and hardworking. When I participate in any project or a program, I make sure that I do very well in it. Thank you!
My life took a turn for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
I even
Possible spelling mistake. ‘realised’ is British English.
realised
it. And even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
I find myself in a similar situation, which can have a long-lasting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on my life. My goals, ambitions and my future depends on what I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, In this essay
It seems that an apostrophe is missing. Did you mean “I’ll”?
I ll
talk about my academic achievements, career goals and the reasons why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
I should
be awarded
a York University International Scholarship.

I stood
First
in all five years of my Primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
with an average score of 96%. And I was among the top 3 in all five years of my High
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
with an average of 90%. Out of which I scored 93% in the Secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
Certificate Board Examinations of my state in my senior 10th
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grade
.
In addition
, I
also
received the General proficiency award and the Best Outgoing Student award in my senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Highschool
.

My School's student body
is divided
into four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
Possible spelling mistake. ‘colours’ is British English.
colours
. Red, Blue, Green and Yellow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
House
. From my 1st
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, I have either been a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
or a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
House
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
till my 8th
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grade
. In my 9th
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grade
, I
was appointed
as the Deputy General Blue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
House
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Leader
and in my 10th
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grade
I
was appointed
as the General Red
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
House
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Leader
of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Moreover
, I have
also
been a captain of my respective
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
's Soccer, Cricket and Basketball teams in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Intramurals
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
Successfully
leading my team to the top 2 places in most occasions.

In my 9th
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grade
, The Election Commission Of India organized a number of literary and cultural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for
Possible spelling mistake found.
highschools
across the country. Along with a couple of my
Possible spelling mistake found.
batchmates
, I participated in the Mock Parliament
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Event
. I prepared the script and lead the
Possible spelling mistake. ‘practise’ is British English.
practise
sessions. I
also
played the role of The Prime Minister and My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
secured 1st place in the whole state in that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.

On the other hand
, I wish to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the Indian Foreign Services and I want to become a Foreign Ambassador of India. Understanding and learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures and at the same time teaching about the Indian culture is something that I cherish doing.
Fortunately
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
this opportunity of becoming an Indian Ambassador and representing India in the United States at a young age. Breaking a number of stereotypes and
Possible spelling mistake. ‘generalisations’ is British English.
generalisations
about the American culture and bridging the cultural bond between these two countries was one of the best jobs.

As a result
, my communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
This word is normally spelled with a hyphen.
decision making
,
This noun or verb “problem-solving” is spelled with a hyphen.
problem solving
, Time management, self-awareness, critical and creative thinking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
have evolved
immensely
.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
ultimately
contributes to my leadership
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. I am a much more
This word is normally spelled with a hyphen.
well equipped
version of myself than I was yesterday. I deserve this prestigious York Scholarship
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I believe that I can stand up to the expectations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have from me.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am determined
and hardworking. When I participate in any project or a program, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that I do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well in it. Thank you!
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IELTS essay Describe your achievements

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
500 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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