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Demand for gas and oil is increasing and so finding new sources in remote and untouched areas is a necessity. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Demand for gas and oil is increasing and so finding new sources in remote and untouched areas is a necessity. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? 9LLJW
Since ancient times, animals have been used to make food, clothes and some types of medicines. But along with the modern life development, some people consider that animals are no longer as important as in the past in terms of product manufacturing. However, I disagree with it and believe that they are still essential and irreplaceable in some production activities. Admittedly, many people deem that since an increasing number of new materials are appearing in the world, it is no longer necessary to use animals to meet certain human needs. Notably, many of these animals are dealt with in an inhumane way: try to think, it takes three minks to make one mink coat, and therefore, how ruthless it would be if we make hundreds of coats. Actually, some new artificial materials can outperform animals regarding costs and functions. For example, artificial mink fur costs only half of real fur and it is also reported that they are warmer than the real one. With respect to drug production, most use of animal organs to cure diseases lacks scientific approval, thus incredible, so more faith should be infused in herbal medicine and modern pharmaceuticals and more experiments should be conducted on them, rather than on animals. Nevertheless, there is no doubt that animals have always been an indispensable food source for human beings, such as chickens, fish, cows, and pigs. It is infeasible to keep humans from eating meat since this is a deep-rooted tradition throughout human history. Also, meat can provide distinctive nutrients for our body and health; for example, some proteins can only be acquired from animals and they are of great value to our immune system. Therefore, it is reasonable that over the years, a vegetarian style of life causes considerable controversy. From my personal perspective, I do think that animals indispensably facilitate a better life for humans, especially in the food sector. But in clothes and medicine industry, animals should be spared because technology has offered us other choices.
Since ancient times,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
food, clothes and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
types of medicines.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
along with the modern life development,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are no longer as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as in the past in terms of product manufacturing.
However
, I disagree with it and believe that they are
still
essential and irreplaceable in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
production activities.

Admittedly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
deem that since an increasing number of new materials
The verb 'appearing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are appearing
in the world, it is no longer necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
needs.
Notably
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are dealt
with
Consider replacing "in an inhumane way" with the adverb for "inhumane"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an inhumane way
: try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, it takes three minks to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
one mink coat, and
therefore
, how ruthless it would be if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
hundreds of coats. Actually,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new artificial materials can outperform
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
regarding costs and functions.
For example
, artificial mink fur costs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
half of real fur and it is
also
reported that they are warmer than the real one. With respect to drug production, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
organs to cure diseases lacks scientific approval,
thus
incredible,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
more faith should
be infused
in herbal medicine and modern pharmaceuticals and more experiments should
be conducted
on them,
rather
than on animals.

Nevertheless
, there is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
have always been an indispensable food source for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
beings, such as chickens, fish, cows, and pigs. It is infeasible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
from eating meat since this is a deep-rooted tradition throughout
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
history.
Also
, meat can provide distinctive nutrients for our body and health;
for example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
proteins can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be acquired
from
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
animals and
they are of great value to our immune system.
Therefore
, it is reasonable that over the years, a vegetarian style of life causes considerable controversy.

From my personal perspective, I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
indispensably
facilitate a better life for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
,
especially
in the food sector.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in clothes and medicine industry,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
should
be spared
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
technology has offered us other choices.
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IELTS essay Demand for gas and oil is increasing and so finding new sources in remote and untouched areas is a necessity. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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