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competitiveness among high school students should be encouraged. do you agree or disagree

competitiveness among high school students should be encouraged. Rq5Y
As we are seeing the previous some decades the development in all sectors are drastically increasing and that why the competition among countries and companies are also increasing. So both parents and teachers should be encouraged students for competition because it is beneficial for their career. The first and for most reason is the competitiveness enhance performance of the students and competitiveness at high school level also help them to take the opportunities which is best for their career. In edition, it rises confidant of students to survive in any competitive environment. Also it improves skill of teamwork. For example if the high school give a project in team then they must have to work as a group to take higher scores than opponents in project and this valuable skill for students will need in their future careers. Thus, it is beneficial to encourage students for competition in high schools. On other hand some people believe that competition is not beneficial for students because it may be increasing the negative feeling towards the other students. For example the student always thinks I want to come (first) than other students. In a nutshell, I would pen down saying that, competitiveness is beneficial to students because it prepares them to grab educational and professional opportunities. Thus, it can be concluded that the competitiveness in high school should be encouraged.
As we are seeing the previous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
decades the development in all sectors are
drastically
increasing and that why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
among countries and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are
also
increasing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
both parents and teachers should
be encouraged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beneficial
for their career.

The
first
and for most reason is the competitiveness enhance performance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and competitiveness at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school level
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to take the opportunities which is best for their career. In edition, it rises confidant of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to survive in any competitive environment.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
of teamwork.
For example
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school give a project in team then they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work as a group to take higher scores than opponents in project and this valuable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will need in their future careers.
Thus
, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beneficial
to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
schools.

On other hand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beneficial
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it may be increasing the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
feeling towards the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
For example
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
I want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
(
first
) than other students.

In a nutshell, I would pen down saying that, competitiveness is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beneficial
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it prepares them to grab educational and professional opportunities.
Thus
, it can
be concluded
that the competitiveness in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school should
be encouraged
.
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IELTS essay competitiveness among high school students should be encouraged.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
227 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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