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Community Work In Their Free Time

A few people believe that adolescents must be encouraged to participate in unpaid social service during their free time as it would be beneficial for both teenagers and society. I disagree with this view and I will defend my stand with valid arguments in this essay. To begin with, if teenagers are required to volunteer for unpaid community services, some people think that it would enhance their feeling of empathy towards mankind and nature. As teenagers are highly impressionable, working for the community will turn them into socially responsible adults. So, for the benefit of the community and teenagers, teenagers must be encouraged to occupy themselves with voluntary work in their free time. However, children between thirteen and nineteen years of age are fragile and through community work, they have to dig deep into the harsh realities of life such as hunger and poverty. This could adversely affect their young conscience and they would be carrying the negative image of society in their minds throughout their lives. Also, if the work is unpaid, there is a lack of motivation as well because if they are not paid for their efforts, they may get discouraged to participate in future. For example, many children are devastated when they interact with the deprived segment of the society and sometimes this leads to serious cognitive issues like depression and phobia of meeting new people. Therefore, it should not be mandatory for the teenagers to take part in unpaid social work in their free time. To conclude, although unpaid community service is a noble act, teenagers should not be compelled to engage in it until they are ready because it exposes them to the harsh realities of life. Hence, volunteering should be a choice and not an obligation.
A few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that adolescents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be encouraged
to participate in unpaid social service during their free time as it would be beneficial for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
and society. I disagree with this view and I will defend my stand with valid arguments in this essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
are required
to volunteer for unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
services,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it would enhance their feeling of empathy towards mankind and nature. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
are
highly
impressionable, working for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
will turn them into
socially
responsible adults.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, for the benefit of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be encouraged
to occupy themselves with voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their free time.

However
, children between thirteen and nineteen years of age are fragile and through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
dig deep into the harsh realities of life such as hunger and poverty. This could
adversely
affect their young
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
conscience and
they would be carrying the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
image of society in their minds throughout their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Also
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is unpaid, there is a lack of motivation
as well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if they are not paid for their efforts, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
discouraged to participate
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children
are devastated
when they interact with the deprived segment of the society and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
this leads to serious cognitive issues like depression and phobia of meeting new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Therefore
, it should not be mandatory for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in unpaid social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their free time.

To conclude
, although unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
service is a noble act,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should not
be compelled
to engage in it until they are ready
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it exposes them to the harsh realities of life.
Hence
, volunteering should be a choice and not an obligation.
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IELTS essay Community Work In Their Free Time

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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