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Children spend their leisure time with their peers. Why? Is it a positive or negative development?

Children spend their leisure time with their peers. Why? Is it a positive or negative development? WMda
Many of children spend their free time with friends who are the same ages. This tendency is caused by one main reason and leads to two benefits. Children want to spend time with their peers, since they do many activities together, for example playing video games, going football etc. when they get together, each of them entertain a lot. That is why, they are liable to spend their free time with their peers. In my opinion, spending with peers exists two positive result. First of all, they can refresh their brain when they meet with their friends. Because school lessons and sometimes the pressure of family make them feel tired and get stress. That is why, when they have leisure time after all of these, they meet each other. Since they can comprehend each other and can create empathy. Therefore, all of them know exactly what to want and reduce their stress level. Secondly, They commerce to learn the world well, because there is every type person among peers. That is why, some of them can observe and deduce from their negative behavior. Even though some of people are opposite to this view, smart children never tend this ways. Which is why, this step will come positive result for future. Thus, in the future, they know completely: what is evil, what is good for them. In conclusion, children spend time with their peers because of good entertainments. This actions give children two positive outcomes: firstly, live without stress, secondly, learn every face of life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with friends who are the same ages. This tendency
is caused
by one main reason and leads to two benefits.

Children want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
, since they do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
activities together,
for example
playing video games,
The usual collocation for an activity that does not end in "-ing" and is something you can win is "play" not "do" or "go." Revise: "playing football".
going football
etc. when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
together, each of them entertain a lot.
That is
why, they are liable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their peers.

In my opinion, spending with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
exists two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
result.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, they can refresh their brain when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with their friends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
school lessons and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the pressure of family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel tired and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
That is
why, when they have leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
after all
of these, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
each other. Since they can comprehend each other and can create empathy.
Therefore
, all of them know exactly what to want and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level.

Secondly
,
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'They'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
They commerce
to learn the world well,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is every type person among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
.
That is
why,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them can observe and deduce from their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
behavior.
Even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are opposite to this view, smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
never tend
Did you mean "these"?
this
ways. Which is why, this step will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
result for future.
Thus
, in the future, they know completely: what is evil, what is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for them.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
entertainments.
Did you mean "these"?
This
actions give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcomes:
firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
,
secondly
, learn every face of life.
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IELTS essay Children spend their leisure time with their peers. Why? Is it a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
254 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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