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Children nowadays prefer to spend their time on The Internet. What do you think?

Children nowadays prefer to spend their time on The Internet. What do you think? KwGPR
We are living in the fourth industrial revolution which improve people lives. It create a lot of product to serve people lives such as electronics device, AI, … and the most powerful is Internet. The Internet in everywhere, people know, people use it everyday – everytime and especially is children. Why? The advantages of Internet is giving us a ton of informations we need and allways be updated, spread every second in the world for us to learn and catch up any happening, artists or authors or sellers can sell their products more easy. Internet is aslo a connecting – communication, we can have online chating or meeting, send email or fax immediate over the world without waiting a week to month as the past days. Internet have more and more advantages like GPS, Entertainment, Shoping, Donating, … We can say we can do anything on internet, even join NASA. And because of it, the internet using of people is out controling. Like children, they get them into many entertainment and having so much fun in. But it make them to be not connecting to our real world! The reality is it, Children nowadays spend a lot of their time into the internet without control about 5 to 10 hours a day. So Internet good or not is about how we use it and for what to control our live, helping people figure out that internet is not everythings, don’t abuse it.
We are living in the fourth industrial revolution which
improve
people
lives
. It
create
a lot of product
to serve
people
lives
such as electronics device, AI, … and the most powerful is Internet. The Internet in everywhere,
people
know,
people
use
it
everyday
everytime
and
especially
is children. Why?

The advantages of Internet
is
giving us a ton of
informations
we need and
allways
be updated
, spread every second in the world for us to learn and catch up any happening, artists or authors or sellers can sell their products more easy. Internet is
aslo
a connecting
communication, we can have online
chating
or meeting,
send
email or fax immediate over the world without waiting a week to month as the past days. Internet have more and more advantages like GPS, Entertainment,
Shoping
, Donating, …

We can say we can do anything on internet, even
join
NASA. And
because
of it, the internet using of
people
is out
controling
. Like children, they
get
them into
many entertainment
and having
so
much fun in.
But
it
make
them to be not connecting to our real world! The reality is it, Children nowadays spend
a lot of
their time into the internet without control about 5 to 10 hours a day.

So
Internet
good
or not is about how we
use
it and for what to control our
live
, helping
people
figure out that internet is not
everythings
, don’t abuse it.
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IELTS essay Children nowadays prefer to spend their time on The Internet. What do you think?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
242 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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