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Children are facing more pressure nowadays from academic, social, and commercial perspective. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

In today’s world, according to academic, social and commercial perspectives children are getting stress out and that’s effected on children’s brain. This essay will discuss the effect behind it and take some steps to reduce it. Firstly, children faced more stress from academic side. First of all, in academy they face study pressure. When children get admit into school or college, the academy pressurized them with course content. For example, children must need achieve 90% marks in their examination, and the pass grade is about 40% marks. In addition, there are several countries such as European country, the pass grade is 60%, if you get 60% marks in your examination then you will pass in your examination. For this reason, children are always in tension and they do not give concentrate on their study. On the other hand, social and commercial perspective affect also children brain. Children get stress, when they forced by guardian for being social. For example, parents forced to their children to participate cultural program, or functions. So, anxiety always grow on children’s mind and it affect on their mind also. However, in commercial side, guardian always make a competition. To illustrate, they want to admit their children in a good organization. Consequently, they force their children to work hard and make a good result in examination; otherwise, they do not get admit in better organization. As a result, they are afraid of studying and always in pressure. To reduce this pressure from children brain, firstly, people need to aware. The academy need to easy their educational rules. For example, reduce the course contents and the grade mark of pass need to decrease, and fixed it at about 40%. Secondly, increase awareness between the parents; due to the fact that, children always afraid of their punishment. Moreover, if they give a believe to their child that they are good at their study; then, children are not afraid of study. Last of all, the government need to increase consciousness between people. In conclusion, people need to aware of it, and they need to counseling their children’s brain. Better counseling declined children anxiety and stress.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, according to academic, social and commercial perspectives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
out and that’s effected on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
. This essay will discuss the effect behind it and take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
steps to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
it.

Firstly
,
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children
faced more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
from academic side.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in academy they face study pressure. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admit into school or college, the academy pressurized them with course content.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
achieve 90%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marks
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examination
, and the pass grade is about 40%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marks
.
In addition
, there are several countries such as European country, the pass grade is 60%, if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
60%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marks
in your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examination
then you will pass in your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examination
.
For this reason
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are always in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
tension and
they do not give concentrate on their study.

On the other hand
, social and commercial perspective affect
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
, when they forced by guardian for being social.
For example
, parents forced to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate cultural program, or functions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, anxiety always grow on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
mind and it
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
on their mind
also
.
However
, in commercial side, guardian always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a competition. To illustrate, they want to admit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
organization.
Consequently
, they force their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examination
;
otherwise
, they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admit in better organization.
As a result
, they are afraid of studying and always in pressure.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this pressure from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
,
firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to aware. The academy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to easy their educational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the course contents and the grade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mark
of pass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to decrease, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
it at about 40%.
Secondly
, increase awareness between the parents; due to the fact that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
always afraid of their punishment.
Moreover
, if they give a
The usual collocation for "believe" is "in" not "to". Did you mean "believe in"?
believe to
their child that they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at their study; then,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not afraid of study. Last of all, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to increase consciousness between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to aware of it, and they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to counseling their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
. Better counseling declined
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
anxiety and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
.
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IELTS essay Children are facing more pressure nowadays from academic, social, and commercial perspective. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
356 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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