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Childhood problem has become serious problem in recent years.What are the primary cause for this? How can this probelm be reduced?

Childhood problem has become serious problem in recent years. What are the primary cause for this? How can this probelm be reduced? bEjAY
In today's generation, health is the main concern of all the individuals. In recent years the problem that has became serious in childhood obesity. This crumb of writing will discuss the causes along with remedial measures to curb this menace. Ostensibly, there are multifarious causes for this problem. First and Foremost, with the development of technology children are becoming lazy they always remain busy in their mobile phones, computers and laptops. Cell phones have become the indispensable part of their lives. Additionally, the use of all this can affect their eye sight and hearing power. Most of the children don't know what is going on in their surroundings while using mobile phones. Secondly, youngsters mostly prefer to eat junk food that is not healthy for their body. After schools and colleges, most of the individuals always go in Food Courts or eat street food such as burger, pizza. The more they will eat junk food the more they will become fat. Furthermore, there are various that can reduce childhood obesity. Firstly, need of more and more physical activities to be done. As individuals remain always busy they are lacking in doing the physical activities. They should practice yoga, do walking and also play sports to maintain their health and to decrease their fat. Moreover, parents should set the schedule for their offsprings for using phones two or three hours a day. Secondly, teachers should also teach their students to eat healthy and home-made food and also eat green vegetables and fruits in order to stay healthy and fit. The junk food that is prepared on the streets is full of pollution and it can also affect their health so children should avoid this. To conclude, the primary cause is eating unhealthy food but this can be prevented by avoiding junk food and by doing physical activities.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's generation, health is the main concern of all the individuals. In recent years the problem that has
Use past participle here: "become".
became
serious in childhood obesity. This crumb of writing will discuss the causes along with remedial measures to curb this menace.

Ostensibly
, there are multifarious causes for this problem.
First
and Foremost, with the development of technology children are becoming lazy they always remain busy in their mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, computers and laptops. Cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have become the indispensable part of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Additionally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of all this can affect their
This word is usually spelt together: "eyesight".
eye sight
and hearing power. Most of the children don't know what is going on in their surroundings while using mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
Secondly
, youngsters
mostly
prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that is
not healthy for their body. After schools and colleges, most of the individuals always go in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Food
Courts or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
street
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
such as burger, pizza. The more they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
the more they will become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.

Furthermore
, there are various that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
childhood obesity.
Firstly
, need of more and more physical activities to
be done
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
individuals remain always busy they are lacking in doing the physical activities. They should practice yoga,
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go walking".
do walking
and
also
play sports to maintain their health and to decrease their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.
Moreover
, parents should set the schedule for their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
for using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
two or three hours a day.
Secondly
, teachers should
also
teach their students to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
healthy and home-made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
green vegetables and fruits in order to stay healthy and fit. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that
is prepared
on the streets is full of pollution and it can
also
affect their health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
children should avoid this.

To conclude
, the primary cause is eating unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by avoiding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and by doing physical activities.
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IELTS essay Childhood problem has become serious problem in recent years. What are the primary cause for this? How can this probelm be reduced?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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