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Certain people believe that only way to reduce crime is sentencing criminals for longer time periods while others believe alternative methods should be used to lower crimes. Discuss both views and your opinion

Certain people believe that only way to reduce crime is sentencing criminals for longer time periods while others believe alternative methods should be used to lower crimes. Discuss both views and your opinion KWBk1
There is no denying the fact that the ratio of crime is increasing day by day so some people think, government should keep the victim in the jail for longer time period, nevertheless other say, they should find the other way to mitigate this issue. In my conviction, providing the occupation to masses is effective way to reduce this problem. On the one hand, when authority will retain the criminal in the prison consequently they can understand their mistake as well as they would do work in the jail namely- cleaning their clothes and make the food so they might become responsible as a result it may assist to improve their behaviour in the society. For example, recent study reported that the social behaviour of citizens get change after spending time in the jail. On the other hand, government should provide the employment to all youngsters therefore they can begin their work in order to earn the money because most of people do crimes, when they do not have source of income. In addition, parents must understand their offsprings and, enhance their confidence level when they go to do something new in their life though some children commit the crime as they do not have parent's support. In conclusion, first government should give the job opportunity to new generation and, parents appreciate their pupils in every field too.
There is no denying the fact that the ratio of crime is increasing day by day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the victim in the jail for longer time period,
nevertheless
other say, they should find the other way to mitigate this issue. In my conviction, providing the occupation to masses is
Please check whether an article is missing: "a effective".
effective
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this problem.

On the one hand, when authority will retain the criminal in the prison
consequently
they can understand their mistake
as well
as they would do work in the jail
namely
- cleaning their clothes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they might become responsible
as a result
it may assist to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in the society.
For example
, recent study reported that the social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of citizens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
after spending time in the jail.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should provide the employment to all youngsters
therefore
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
their work in order to earn the money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do crimes, when they do not have source of income.
In addition
, parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
understand their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
and, enhance their confidence level when they go to do something new in their life though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
children commit the crime as they do not have parent's support.

In conclusion
,
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should give the job opportunity to new generation and, parents appreciate their pupils in every field too.
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IELTS essay Certain people believe that only way to reduce crime is sentencing criminals for longer time periods while others believe alternative methods should be used to lower crimes. Discuss both views and your opinion

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
228 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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