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celebrities as models to grow up and develop in the same way is not a strange way

celebrities as models to grow up and develop in the same way is not a strange way 0wpV5
Seeking out someone who has many great characteristics that we can admire is not a trivial task. Basically, considering celebrities as models to grow up and develop in the same way is not a strange way. Young people also let their idols affect their childhood and form part of their personality. I am not an exceptional case as well. BTS gradually became my idol, my personality, and my life. The three things that influence me a lot are their passion, perseverance or determination and their love. The characteristic that appeals to me most is their passion. I had known them for the first time since I was fourteen years old, but I did not pay much attention to them because they were just debuting in a small company, while many other well-known groups were debuting more than five years earlier in the three biggest entertainment companies at that time, namely YG, JYP, and SM. I absolutely ignored them until they got a huge prize at a big ceremony in 2016 (three years after). I began to learn their information first-hand the first time and knew what they had been through. Making their debut in a small company presented them with numerous difficulties and challenges. They did not have much funding to develop their musical products. Thus, they had to do something on their own, like delivering free tickets for their concert in a foreign country like the USA, staying in a small rented house, and filming music videos by using their staff’s cars. Or the most desperate thing is being cut off from their performance on TV. Eventually, they are still alive and even develop in a spectacular way. The only thing that can be explained in their case is that they have a passion. They lived with their colossal passion and did not let anyone do harm to it or make them less passionate. Their first performance had only one audience and they still performed. They appreciate every chance to stand on stage, they appreciate everyone who loves their music, and they appreciate their dream, their passion. Even now, when they have become a world-wide group, they still keep their initiative passion. The second reason that made me fall in love with this boy group is not because of their beauty, but their perseverance. They practiced up to eighteen hours a day. Besides, they gave out their products regularly. They were not frustrated because of other people’s opinions about their outlook, their music, or their origins. Instead, they focused on their dream and were patient with it. They ignored many stories about plagiarism. They did not stop to explain anything. They kept moving forward with their own minds and let time explain the rest. Being loyal to their passion and their dreams helps them to be more perseverant in conquering any arduous task in their life. The final thing that makes me love BTS is their love and their care. Their songs are not only for Koreans but for people from all over the world. They spread their love and their sharing to every country in one language. People assume that they love BTS songs and the meaning of the songs more. When I listen to their songs, I feel like my soul is being appeased. They have been through a period of difficult times, so they know how hard it is to overcome. Songs are written to share with listeners their rough times and aim for the good things in life. Many introverted and depressed people find new paths when they listen to BTS music. To summarize what I have been discussing above, I have to acknowledge that BTS plays a huge role in my life. They give me the inspiration to continue my dream. Gradually, their personalities form in my mind. They teach me how to love everyone and spread the love. I know how to conquer my own difficulties by focusing on my passion and being perseverant all the time.
Seeking out someone who has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
great characteristics that we can admire is not a trivial task.
Basically
, considering celebrities as models to grow up and develop
in the same way
is not a strange way. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their idols affect their childhood and form part of their personality. I am not an exceptional case
as well
. BTS
gradually
became my idol, my personality, and my life. The three things that influence me a lot are their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
, perseverance or determination and their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
.

The characteristic that appeals to me most is their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
. I had known them for the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
since I was fourteen years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I did not pay much attention to them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
debuting in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other well-known groups were debuting more than five years earlier in the three biggest entertainment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
namely
Possible spelling mistake found.
YG
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
JYP
, and SM. I
absolutely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
them until they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a huge prize at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
ceremony in 2016 (three years after).
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
began to learn their information
first
-hand the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and knew what they had been through. Making their debut in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
presented them with numerous difficulties and challenges. They did not have much funding to develop their musical products.
Thus
, they had to do something on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
, like delivering free tickets for their concert in a foreign country like the USA, staying in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
rented
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, and filming music videos by using their staff’s cars. Or the most desperate thing is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
off from their performance on TV.
Eventually
, they are
still
alive and even develop
Consider replacing "in a spectacular way" with the adverb for "spectacular"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a spectacular way
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thing that can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in their case is that they have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
with their colossal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
and did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
anyone do harm to it or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them less passionate. Their
first
performance had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
audience and
they
still
performed. They appreciate every chance to stand on stage, they appreciate everyone who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loves
their music, and they appreciate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dream
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
. Even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, when they have become a world-wide group, they
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their initiative passion.

The second reason that made me fall in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
with this boy group is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their beauty,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their perseverance. They practiced up to eighteen hours a day.
Besides
, they gave out their products
regularly
. They were not frustrated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
opinions about their outlook, their music, or their origins.
Instead
, they focused on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dream
and were patient with it. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
stories about plagiarism. They did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
anything.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
moving forward with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
minds and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the rest. Being loyal to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dreams
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to be more perseverant in conquering any arduous task in their life.

The final thing that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
me
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
BTS is their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
and their care. Their songs are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for Koreans
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all over the world. They spread their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
and their sharing to every country in one language.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
assume that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
BTS songs and the meaning of the songs more. When I listen to their songs, I feel like my soul is
being appeased
. They have been through a period of difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they know how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
it is to overcome. Songs
are written
to share with listeners their rough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
and aim for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things in life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
introverted and depressed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find new paths when they listen to BTS music.

To summarize
what I have been discussing above, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
acknowledge that BTS plays a huge role in my life. They give me the inspiration to continue my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dream
.
Gradually
, their personalities form in my mind. They teach me how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
everyone and spread the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
. I know how to conquer my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
difficulties by focusing on my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
and being perseverant all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
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IELTS essay celebrities as models to grow up and develop in the same way is not a strange way

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
664 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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