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both views about personal informations in jobs

both views about personal informations in jobs PRxRp
There is no doubt that some specific vacancies require a personal information which is considered to be a conflict point in society. People are devoted into two groups, The first one believe that this types of informations might be needed while the other admit that they are not necesserly for employment. However, This can be satled only by making rules which control whether these informations are needed or not. Most of employers are looking for a method to put every employee in his right place which is tough to achieve without a plan for it. Firstly, people think that demanding personal information from job applicants might be helpful since it is going to help managers in their jobs. To illustrate, if a worker be late or do not come to work; they will know the reasons due to the informations that they have about them. Therefore, the worker will not be penalised or fired. In addition, providing such informations might be for the interest of the society. For example, hospitals administration can call for doctors if they are needed and in some cases these doctors have issues which is only can be determin by these personal information. On the other hand, Sharing people social situations such as bank statement might be dangerous if it falls in the wrong hands, according to a report that have been published in GT news many people were stolen by an known organization that hacked CA company data which were used for the credit cards robbery. Furthermore, in some people point of view; employees work on hight performance only when they are mysterious to each other. To give an example, if you do not know your colleagues at work well you will not  have time to waste in discussion with them. In conclusion, Although, personal information might help in order to hire skilled workers; limitation should be taken in action by the government soon in terms to protect people's privacy.
There is no doubt that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific vacancies require a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
which
is considered
to be a conflict point in society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are devoted
into two groups, The
first
one believe that this types of
The word 'informations' is a legal term. In standard English, the word 'information' is a non-count noun. Did you mean "information"?
informations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be needed
while the other admit that they are not
Possible spelling mistake found.
necesserly
for employment.
However
, This can be
Possible spelling mistake found.
satled
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
which control whether these
The word 'informations' is a legal term. In standard English, the word 'information' is a non-count noun. Did you mean "information"?
informations
are needed
or not.

After 'Most of', you should use 'the' ("Most of the employers") or simply say "Most employers".
Most of employers
are looking for a method to put every employee in his right place which is tough to achieve without a plan for it.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that demanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
from job applicants
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be helpful since it is going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
managers in their jobs. To illustrate, if a worker be late or do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to work; they will know the reasons due to the
The word 'informations' is a legal term. In standard English, the word 'information' is a non-count noun. Did you mean "information"?
informations
that they have about them.
Therefore
, the worker will not be
Possible spelling mistake. 'penalised' is British English.
penalised
or fired.
In addition
, providing such
The word 'informations' is a legal term. In standard English, the word 'information' is a non-count noun. Did you mean "information"?
informations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be for the interest of the society.
For example
, hospitals administration can call for doctors if they
are needed
and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases these doctors have issues which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can be
Possible spelling mistake found.
determin
by these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information.

On the other hand
, Sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
social situations such as bank statement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
if it falls in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
hands, according to a report that have
been published
in GT news
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were stolen
by
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
known organization that hacked CA
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
data which were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the credit cards robbery.
Furthermore
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
point of view; employees work on
Possible spelling mistake found.
hight
performance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when they are mysterious to each other. To give an example, if you do not know your colleagues at work well you will not
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
have time to waste in discussion with them.

In conclusion
, Although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in order to hire skilled workers; limitation should
be taken
in action by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
in terms to protect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's privacy.
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IELTS essay both views about personal informations in jobs

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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