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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

It is true that the adults are being involved a lesser amount of rate in demonyms of some countries whereas youth people take a massive percentage of population rate. While this process has drawbacks in some cases, it would have numerous benefits for these particular countries. Of multiple demerits of the diminishing percentage of elderly people in a country, one is that the country`s custom can be lost. This is because old people are definite testimonies of history which can be seen in the most of elder people have tendencies towards following traditional features such as organizing numerous traditional vacations particularly, many religious or non-religious ceremonies which are stemmed from their ancestors, whereas youth people tend to be more contemporary since they do not have passion about traditional aspects. Evidently, increasing the percentage of youth people leads to vanishing vibrant societies which have been establishing for thousands of years. On contrast, looking at one of the merits of the proliferating proportion of young adults in the demonym of a country is that youngsters would be a productive workforce for a country. This is because a large number of young adults have studied in educational institutions, which have a good quality of education system, which enable them to be high-qualified professionals. In other word, young employees are more effective compared to adults due to their prodigious knowledge and physical condition, which are crucial for developing the country`s economy. As a result, enlarging number of young adults can be a virtuous occasion, which may, in turn, increasing effectiveness of productivity in the country`s industry. To sum up, although augmenting the rate of youth people in a few countries can be beneficial, there would be sufficient number of drawbacks of this particular procedure. These features afflict whether countries economy or tradition in inversal ways.
It is true that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are
being involved
a lesser amount of rate in demonyms of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take a massive percentage of population rate. While this process has drawbacks in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, it would have numerous benefits for these particular countries.

Of multiple demerits of the diminishing percentage of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, one is that the
The character between ‘country’ and ‘s’ is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use “country’s” (curly apostrophe) or “country’s” (straight apostrophe).
country`s
custom can
be lost
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
testimonies of history which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the most of elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have tendencies towards following traditional features such as organizing numerous traditional vacations
particularly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
religious or non-religious ceremonies which
are stemmed
from their ancestors, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to be more contemporary since they do not have passion about traditional aspects.
Evidently
, increasing the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If ‘people’ is plural here, don’t use the third-person singular verb.
leads
to vanishing vibrant societies which have been establishing for thousands of years.

On contrast, looking at one of the merits of the proliferating proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
in the demonym of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is that youngsters would be a productive workforce for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use “many” or “numerous”
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
have studied in educational institutions, which have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quality of education system, which enable them to be high-qualified professionals. In other word,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
employees are more effective compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
due to their prodigious knowledge and physical condition, which are crucial for developing the
The character between ‘country’ and ‘s’ is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use “country’s” (curly apostrophe) or “country’s” (straight apostrophe).
country`s
economy.
As a result
, enlarging number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
can be a virtuous occasion, which may, in turn, increasing effectiveness of productivity in the
The character between ‘country’ and ‘s’ is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use “country’s” (curly apostrophe) or “country’s” (straight apostrophe).
country`s
industry.

To sum up, although augmenting the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
can be beneficial, there would be
It seems that an article is missing. Did you mean “a sufficient number of”?
sufficient number of
drawbacks of this particular procedure. These features afflict whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
economy or tradition in
Possible spelling mistake found.
inversal
ways.
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IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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