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At present, the population of some countries is made up of a relatively larger number of young adults as compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

At present, the population of some countries is made up of a relatively larger number of young adults as compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? KxoL
Statistics state that in some countries there are larger number of young adults as compared with the number of older people. I do agree that more young people has its perks especially In this modern world but I also believe that it has its disadvantages. In this time of modernization where everything is connected to internet and technology, young people has no problems coping with the changes as these are part of their daily lives already. This is one and I think the biggest advantage of having more younger adults because from jobs, online orders, social media, online classes, to many more, internet and technology are needed and these are things that the older people are having a hard time to deal with. On the other hand, this could be a disadvantage as well because as young people are so connected to internet, they lose their touch of their own culture and tradition. In the Philippines for example, our ancestors used to use coconut and banana leaves to make bags and accessories. According to a survey conducted by a local news channel, older people who knows this tradition are having a hard time passing these skills to their children as they are not interested and would prefer to use their cellphones all day long. These are the pros and cons of having a larger number of young adults. This being said, I still believe that its advantages outweigh the disadvantages especially if want to move forward and conquer the fast-paced world
Statistics state that in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries there are larger number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults as compared with the number of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
its perks
especially
In this modern world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
also
believe that it has its disadvantages.

In this time of modernization where everything
is connected
to internet and technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
no problems coping with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
as these are part of their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
already. This is one and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the biggest advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
Use only "younger" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more younger
adults
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
from jobs, online orders, social media, online classes, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more, internet and technology
are needed
and these are things that the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
time to deal with.

On the other hand
, this could be a disadvantage
as well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
connected to internet, they lose their touch of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
culture and tradition. In the Philippines
for example
, our ancestors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
coconut and banana
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
bags and accessories. According to a survey conducted by a local news channel, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
Did you mean "know"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
knows
this tradition are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
time passing these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to their children as they are not interested and would prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their cellphones all day long.

These are the pros and cons of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a larger number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults. This
being said
, I
still
believe that its advantages outweigh the disadvantages
especially
if want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
forward and conquer the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-paced
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
world
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IELTS essay At present, the population of some countries is made up of a relatively larger number of young adults as compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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