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As the developing countries and third world countries, there are a funds, how to use it? Invest in the basic education or in the high-technology, for instance, computer? What's your opinion?

As the developing countries and third world countries, there are a funds, how to use it? Invest in the basic education or in the high-technology, for instance, computer? What's your opinion? bQ61P
Today, technology has become an integral part of our lives. We cannot carry out our daily activities without cars, mobile phones and laptops. And it's not the end, technology is still evolving and we need to get the best out of it. So, In my opinion developing countries should invest their funds more in high technology, for instance, computers. These countries have to match up with the developed world which is far ahead of them in almost every field. And in today's service sector dominant economy, high investment in the field of technology can only take them there. These countries should use new methods to make durable roads linking backward areas and forming a strong transportation system which is the backbone of any economy. Latest manufacturing methods which are economical and time efficient should be employed. Further investments should be carried out to bring big multinational corporations to set up new units in their countries. These companies along with bringing the latest technological advancements also provide jobs to a large number of locals thereby further strengthening the economy. The funds should be invested on basic educational facilities also, but these will not have fruitful results until investments are made over technological advancements also. Teaching children new methods of manufacturing over smart class will have no use if the children don't use that in their real life. If a country has adequate resources only then children will be able to apply their knowledge and use them. To conclude, third world countries should invest their funds in high technology such as computers because technology is the backbone of economy in today's times. Service sector is increasing at a rampant rate and investing further in this will bring desired results to these developing countries and match up with the developed world.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has become an integral part of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. We cannot carry out our daily activities without cars, mobile phones and laptops. And it's not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is
still
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
evolving and
we need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the best out of it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, In my opinion developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should invest their funds more in high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
,
for instance
, computers. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
match up with the developed world which is far ahead of them in almost every field. And in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's service sector dominant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
, high investment in the field of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
take them there. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
new methods to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
durable roads linking backward areas and forming a strong transportation system which is the backbone of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
.
A determiner is probably missing here: "the Latest".
Latest
manufacturing methods which are economical and time efficient should
be employed
.
Further
investments should
be carried
out to bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
multinational corporations to set up new units in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
along with bringing the latest technological advancements
also
provide jobs to
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
locals thereby
further
strengthening the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
. The funds should
be invested
on basic educational facilities
also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
these will not have fruitful results until investments
are made
over technological advancements
also
. Teaching children new methods of manufacturing over smart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
will have no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
if the children don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that in their real life. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has adequate resources
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
then children will be able to apply their knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them.
To conclude
, third world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should invest their funds in high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
such as computers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is the backbone of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's times. Service sector is increasing at a rampant rate and investing
further
in this will bring desired results to these developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and match up with the developed world.
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IELTS essay As the developing countries and third world countries, there are a funds, how to use it? Invest in the basic education or in the high-technology, for instance, computer? What's your opinion?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
298 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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