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As a result of electronic inventions such as television and the computer, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

As a result of electronic inventions such as television and the computer, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. KxRk
New technologies such as the computer and television have changed people's lives. This new lifestyle has huge effects on their physical health. While some people think electronic inventions have a negative effect on people's health, I believe it is not at all certain that technologies can be harmful for our health. Some people say that technologies make us to have a sedentary lifestyle because people especially teenagers spend much time in front of their computer and television. Therefore, besides feeling depression and having passive life, it causes health problems like overweight. They believe that people prefer sitting in front of screens for a long time instead of going to the gym. Consequently, it causes diseases like heart attack. However, I think new technologies can be a turning point for people to improve the way that they live. These days people have access to the computer and the internet, because of that they have more information about healthy items such as food, weather, sports and etc. Accordingly, they can care themselves better. Moreover, it is possible for them to be aware of many sport communities. As a consequence, they can participate in different physical activity groups. In my experience, modern inventions are wonderful. I have been using electronic devices to join sport groups and starting exercise. Furthermore, I use different applications and softwares in my cellphone and laptop to control my weight and diet. In my case, using technology for health was unbelievably useful. A number of pieces of advice, which was so practical, have been always given by experts to me, and I am experiencing much more healthier lifestyle. In conclusion, I disagree entirely with the statement in the question. Although new technology has some negative effects on our health, in my view, in many ways it would be helpful to live healthy, if people have a balance in using electronic devices.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
New
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
such as the computer and television have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
lifestyle has huge effects on their physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
electronic inventions have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, I believe it is not at all certain that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
can be harmful for our health.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us to have a sedentary lifestyle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
spend much time in front of their computer and television.
Therefore
,
besides
feeling depression and having passive life, it causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems like overweight. They believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer sitting in front of screens for a long time
instead
of going to the gym.
Consequently
, it causes diseases like heart attack.

However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
can be a turning point for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the way that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. These days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have access to the computer and the internet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that they have more information about healthy items such as food, weather, sports
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
.
Accordingly
, they can care themselves better.
Moreover
, it is possible for them to be aware of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sport communities. As a consequence, they can participate in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
physical activity groups. In my experience, modern inventions are wonderful. I have been using electronic devices to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
sport groups and starting exercise.
Furthermore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
applications and
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
in my cellphone and laptop to control my weight and diet. In my case, using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
was
unbelievably
useful. A number of pieces of advice, which was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
practical, have been always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by experts to me, and I am experiencing much
Use only "healthier" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more healthier
lifestyle.

In conclusion
, I disagree
entirely
with the statement in the question. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, in my view, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways it would be helpful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
healthy, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a balance in using electronic devices.
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IELTS essay As a result of electronic inventions such as television and the computer, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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