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An increased number of people today change their career and living places in their lives. Is it a positive or negative development? v.2

An increased number of people today change their career and living places in their lives. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2
It is believed that a lot of people have decided to change their jobs or workplaces, and living areas as well. Despite some negative developments that do exist, I personally believe that the changing activity is a positive development. On the one hand, some potential risks may occur when people decide to change their jobs or residential areas. There is a risk that they might not perform well in their new roles, or not welcomed by the other employees. Besides that, there is also a chance that the new neighbourhoods have high crime rates or the weather might not be friendly. However, changing a career and a living area is an essential thing; therefore people should study, do some researchers, analyse all of the problems and try to mitigate the risks before they make a decision. On the other hand, it is true that when people changed their careers and area of living, they could find some benefits. Firstly, as people changed their works, they might become more successful than in their previous careers. In certain situations, some people might have felt that their current jobs are not in accordance with their passions. Therefore they prefer to change their occupations into other jobs which are more suitable for them. Secondly, living in new places, or new cities give them the opportunities to experience new things. They could feel the experiences of having new friends, learn new languages or even feel the different weather conditions. In conclusion, I personally think that changing a career or living place is a positive development, as people could achieve higher careers in their lives and get more experiences in their life.
It
is believed
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
or workplaces, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
as well
. Despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
developments that do exist, I
personally
believe that the changing activity is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
potential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
may occur when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
or residential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. There is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not perform well in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
roles, or not welcomed by the other employees.
Besides
that, there is
also
a chance that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhoods' is British English.
neighbourhoods
have high crime rates or the weather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not be friendly.
However
, changing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
is an essential thing;
therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should study, do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
researchers,
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
Consider using "all the".
all of the
problems and try to mitigate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a decision.

On the other hand
, it is true that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
, they could find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits.
Firstly
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
their works, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
become more successful than in their previous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
. In certain situations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
have felt that their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are not in accordance with their passions.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
they prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their occupations into other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which are more suitable for them.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
places, or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
cities give them the opportunities to experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things. They could feel the experiences of having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
friends, learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
languages or even feel the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
weather conditions.

In conclusion
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that changing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
place is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could achieve higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more experiences in their life.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay An increased number of people today change their career and living places in their lives. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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