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Although societies around the world are richer and more advanced than ever before, people are not as happy as they used to be. Some people, therefore, feel that in order to be happy it is better for people to be poor and less advanced

Although societies around the world are richer and more advanced than ever before, people are not as happy as they used to be. Some people, therefore, feel that in order to be happy it is better for people to be poor and less advanced YLN8V
In present day life a large number of people complain that they have been totally unable to achieve true peace and despite their efforts and their attempts at happiness, they are not happy at all. Although, they live in highly developed nations, and can lead abundant life, they don’t feel themselves happy enough. First of all, I don’t support an idea that for being happy, society ought to be poor and less advanced again. It is a radical decision to take because the progress of humanity has been going on over decades and it is impossible and foolish to stop it. Because if a man tries to end his personal development, it may lead him to the lack of mental stimulation and to a feeling that he is no longer valued in society. The reason why people end up in such a predicament is because they try to find happiness in the wrong places and with the wrong people. For some, happiness is the material wealth they obtain, being able to spend their money as they like, buy whatever they want and consume more and more each day. For people like this, consumption, experiencing every beauty and pleasure, is the greatest source of happiness in their lives. Such desires are like a bottomless well - they never come to an end. Because of their desires people emerge who are never satisfied with anything they obtain, who always want more and better and who believe that they will be able to live happier lives if they acquire more things, and better things. However, these efforts only gain them a temporary happiness. I think people will be happy when they feel that they are valued persons for society. Spending their money truly can give them this feeling. They ought to invest more money on educational and scientific programs. I am sure, they do feel happy when they realize that their money served to favorable purposes and provided a lot of children with basic education. It will be very good if they share some small part of their wealth with the derived and destitute. Gradually, they understand that they aren’t lonely and have a lot of friends who appreciate them not for their wealth but for their nobility and generosity. In conclusion, it is certain that different people value happiness in very different ways. But in my point of view, faith way to happiness should be common – not to think only about ourselves. Although for the last 50 years, the world’s richest countries have grown wealthier and wealthier, and people who live in highly – developed nations can lead abundant life, they don’t feel themselves happy enough.
In present day life
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
complain that they have been
totally
unable to achieve true peace and despite their efforts and their attempts at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, they are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
at all. Although, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
highly
developed nations, and can lead abundant life, they don’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I don’t support an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that for being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
, society ought to be poor and less advanced again. It is a radical decision to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the progress of humanity has been going on over decades and it is impossible and foolish to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
if a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
tries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
his personal development, it may lead him to the lack of mental stimulation and to a feeling that he is no longer valued in society.

The reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in such a predicament is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they try to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
places and with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is the material wealth they obtain, being able to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as they like,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
whatever they want and consume more and more each day.

For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like this, consumption, experiencing every beauty and pleasure, is the greatest source of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. Such desires are like a bottomless well
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
they never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of their desires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
emerge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are never satisfied with anything they obtain,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
always want more and better and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
believe that they will be able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
happier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
if they acquire more things, and better things.
However
, these efforts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
gain them a temporary happiness.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
that they
are valued
persons for society. Spending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
truly
can give them this feeling. They ought to invest more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on educational and scientific programs. I am sure, they do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
when they realize that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
served to favorable purposes and provided
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
children with basic education. It will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
if they share
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
part of their wealth with the derived and destitute.
Gradually
, they understand that they aren’t lonely and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
friends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
appreciate them not for their wealth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for their nobility and generosity.

In conclusion
, it is certain that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
value
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in my point of view, faith way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
should be common
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about ourselves. Although for the last 50 years, the world’s richest countries have grown wealthier and wealthier, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
highly
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
developed nations can lead abundant life, they don’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
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IELTS essay Although societies around the world are richer and more advanced than ever before, people are not as happy as they used to be. Some people, therefore, feel that in order to be happy it is better for people to be poor and less advanced

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
445 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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