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All university students should do part-time jobs while they are studying. What are the advantages? What are the disadvantages? What is your own opinion?

All university students should do part-time jobs while they are studying. What are the advantages? What are the disadvantages? What is your own opinion? ArgR1
In nowadays, people have many part-time jobs which are appropriate for all university students. The part-time jobs will help them to have more income. The students who do part-time jobs also have more soft skills like life management, time management. solve situations, have other relationships and force them to have the possibility for their position. . . besides, the part- time job have some disavantages that will waste many their time to do while they are studying at university or the students can’t concentrate on study if they are attractively making money. In my opinion, the university student should do a part-time job while they are studying because they will have propriety when they want to apply for a vacation to an agency
nowadays is used without 'in'. Use simply: "nowadays".
In nowadays
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which are appropriate for all university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. The part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to have more income. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who do part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
also
have more soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like life management, time management.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
solve
situations, have other relationships and force them to have the possibility for their position.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
besides
, the part- time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake found.
disavantages
that will waste
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
their time to do while they are studying at university or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can’t concentrate on study if they are
attractively
making money. In my opinion, the university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
should do a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
while they are studying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will have propriety when they want to apply for a vacation to an
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
agency

IELTS essay All university students should do part-time jobs while they are studying. What are the advantages? What are the disadvantages? What is your own opinion?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
122 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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