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Advertising discourages us from being different and individuals eventually look the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Advertising discourages us from being different and individuals eventually look the same. 2kBb
I will be over the moon being a small part of the organization which makes a difference and changes our world for the better. The UN Women is an extremely important part of the UN especially in Kazakhstan where female are faced with discrimination, underappritiation and violence. Moreover, my motivation is to help people and to understand how SDG could be achieved and what should have done for it. Furthermore, since I was a child I dreamed about work in the UN and now I am planning to get my master degree in sustainable development. I hope that my experience in organizing online events which I gained during my internship in AIFC Event and property division will be useful.
I will be over the moon being a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
part of the organization which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a difference and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
our world for the better. The UN Women is an
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of the UN
especially
in Kazakhstan where female
are faced
with discrimination,
Possible spelling mistake found.
underappritiation
and violence.
Moreover
, my motivation is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and to understand how SDG could
be achieved
and what should have done for it.
Furthermore
, since I was a child I dreamed about work in the UN and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
I am planning to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
my master degree in sustainable development.

I hope that my experience in organizing online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
which I gained during my internship in
Possible spelling mistake found.
AIFC
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Event
and property division will be useful.

IELTS essay Advertising discourages us from being different and individuals eventually look the same.

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
119 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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