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Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us want to be and to look the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us want to be and to look the same. oPa3
In recent times, many advertisements are encouraging people to by items. Some people think that advertisements are discouraging them from being different, I completely agree with this argument because advertisements are compelling majority of viewers to look same and buy similar products. Firstly, advertisements are presenting products in such a way that viewers tend to buy them for benefits. For example, in fairness cream ads, the ad makers are stating that applying those creams will result in fairer complexion. Because of such ads more number of people want to become fair. Although such products rarely work, the repeating advertisements make people to buy them. While doing so people start disliking their own skin as they want to look fairer as shown in the advertisement. Another point is that people prefer same kind of clothing that is presented in the advertisement. The reason for this is that celebrities wear fancy outfits in the advertisement, which makes their followers to buy the same clothes as they are wearing. Furthermore, such advertisements claim that if people wear same dress, then they will look rich. As a result, people buy them and due to this they will not have their own clothing sense. Thus, these advertisements oblige people to wear what stars are wearing. In conclusion, although advertisements develop a feeling to look good, I opine that when people follow them they lose their inviduality, develop a habit to look same as in the advertisement and it affects a person’s clothing choice as well.
In recent times,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to by items.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are discouraging them from being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this argument
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are compelling
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
viewers to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
same and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
similar products.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are presenting products in such a way that viewers tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
them for benefits.
For example
, in fairness cream ads, the ad makers are stating that applying those creams will result in fairer complexion.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of such ads
Use only "number" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
. Although such products rarely work, the repeating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
them. While doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
disliking their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
skin as they want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
fairer
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
shown in the advertisement.

Another point is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer same kind of clothing that
is presented
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
.
The reason for this is
that celebrities wear fancy outfits in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their followers to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
the same clothes as they are wearing.
Furthermore
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
claim that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wear same dress, then they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
rich.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
them and due to this they will not have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
clothing sense.
Thus
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
oblige
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to wear what stars are wearing.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
develop a feeling to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, I opine that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
follow them they lose their
Possible spelling mistake found.
inviduality
, develop a habit to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
same as in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
and it affects a person’s clothing choice
as well
.
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IELTS essay Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us want to be and to look the same.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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