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Advertisement influence people to buy thing. What are the problems and solutions?

No doubt, advertising promotes consumerization. I intend to explore the problems caused by excessive consumerization and suggest some ways forwards. To begin with, advertisements can cause dissatisfaction for people with what they have and desire more and more. Exposed by products again and again and know that they cannot afford leads them to frustration and disappointment. Consequently, people become workaholics to fulfill their desire. Apart from this, some people commit crime in order to get the money to purchase their favorite goods. Moreover, mostly consumers pile up with things that they do not even require which leads them to a thrown away society which is detrimental to the environment. Furthermore, not all parents are in a position to afford the goods which the children see on advertised and want to possess. This often leads the feeling of inadequacy among the less well off. The solutions are not simple. Advertisements cannot be ban by government because it is a source of valuable income for many workers which is used for the benefit of majority. What government can done is to ban packaging which lured people to buy. What is more, education people is a crucial to against excessive consumerization, let them know how they are exploited by the advertisement companies. The onus is on the people also not to get carried away the things and buy only what is required. At the early age of a child, guardians should have inform his/her the value of money, So, they may not become swayed by advertisements. In conclusion, advertisements promote consumerization but people should be educated about the ill effects of advertisements.
No doubt, advertising promotes consumerization. I intend to explore the problems caused by excessive consumerization and suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways forwards.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
can cause dissatisfaction for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with what they have and desire more and more. Exposed by products again and again and know that they cannot afford leads them to frustration and disappointment.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become workaholics to fulfill their desire. Apart from this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
commit crime in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
their favorite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
.
Moreover
,
mostly
consumers pile up with things that they do not even require which leads them to a thrown away society which is detrimental to the environment.
Furthermore
, not all parents are in a position to afford the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
which the children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on advertised and want to possess. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
leads the feeling of inadequacy among the less well off.

The solutions are not simple.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Advertisements
cannot be
The past participle is required after “cannot be”.
ban
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a source of valuable income for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
workers which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the benefit of majority. What
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
Did you mean “do” or “be done”?
done
is to ban packaging which lured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
.
What is more
, education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If ‘people’ is plural here, don’t use the third-person singular verb.
is
a crucial to against excessive consumerization,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them know how they
are exploited
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. The onus is on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
carried away the things and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
what
is required
. At the early age of a child, guardians should have
Use past participle here: “informed”.
inform
his/her the value of money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they may not become swayed by advertisements.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
promote consumerization
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be educated
about the ill effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
.
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IELTS essay Advertisement influence people to buy thing. What are the problems and solutions?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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