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Advantages and disadvantages of education system?

Advantages and disadvantages of education system? 2bRwb
Recently, it was observed, some of countries have a new system about education this system depended on creating gap a year between finishing school and starting the new university. what do you expect about advantage and disadvantage for this gap? First and foremost, the most significant merit of taking sabbatical before starting university to decide their real passion and to help them in building their personality, and self-reliance; The gap year is a common practice in the UK and U. S. , generally markedly this year is different from their regular life. For instance, data from Harvard University, 2010, pointed out that drop-out rate from university courses is around 10 percent less in those children who chose the course after taking a “gap year” in comparison to those who headed straight to university after the high school. in addition to, this student can decide their interesting; and now, they can realize what does the market need? , and they work to improve their –self As every garden has weeds, similarly a gap year also has a downside. The students may find it difficult to get back to study. For instance, a 2010 report from Florida University revealed that 1 in 100 students, who take “Gap-year” never, go for advanced studies and struggle throughout their life to make the ends meet because of being unskilled. Furthermore they pursue to improve their self; however, their involvement in life forgot the real goal of completing their university studies. So if the student does not create well plan, it may end up as a wasted year. the last but not least, the gap year has a lot of advantages provided it is planned well, and The student must define his priorities and put the real goal in front of him, and he uses this experience in order to achieve the maximum benefit from it.
Recently, it
was observed
,
After 'some of', you should use 'the' ("some of the countries") or simply say "some countries".
some of countries
have a new system about education this system depended on creating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gap
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
between finishing school and starting the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
what
do you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
about advantage and disadvantage for this gap?

First
and foremost, the most significant merit of taking sabbatical
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
starting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
to decide their real passion and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in building their personality, and self-reliance; The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
is a common practice in the UK and U. S.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
generally
markedly
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from their regular life.
For instance
, data from Harvard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
, 2010, pointed out that drop-out rate from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
courses is around 10 percent less in those children who chose the course after taking a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
“gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year”
in comparison
to those who headed straight to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
after the high school.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
addition to, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
can decide their interesting; and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, they can realize what does the market need?
Loose punctuation mark.
,
and they work to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their –self

As every garden has weeds,
similarly
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
also
has a downside. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may find it difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
back to study.
For instance
, a 2010 report from Florida
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
revealed that 1 in 100
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, who take “Gap-year” never, go for advanced studies and struggle throughout their life to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
being unskilled
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
they pursue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their self;
however
, their involvement in life forgot the real goal of completing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
studies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
does not create well plan, it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up as a wasted year.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantages provided it
is planned
well, and The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
define his priorities and put the real goal in front of him, and he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
this experience in order to achieve the maximum benefit from it.
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IELTS essay Advantages and disadvantages of education system?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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