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A new study collected data that shows that people who snore are more likely to gain weight than are people who do not snore. It is well known that many people who snore also stop breathing frequently during the night for a few seconds, a condition called

A new study collected data that shows that people who snore are more likely to gain weight than are people who do not snore. It is well known that many people who snore also stop breathing frequently during the night for a few seconds, a condition called 85J8B
In this argument the author recommends that people who snore should try to eat less than the average person and to exercise more to avoid gaining weight. To support this recommendation, he points out a study showing that people who snore are more vulnerable to gain weight than are people who do not snore. He also cites that many of snoring people also face interruption of breathing which wakes them briefly and can cause feeling too tired during day to exercise. A careful examination of this evidence reveals that it lends little credence to this argument. First, the author unfairly assumes that the results of the study can be attributable to the whole people who snore. There is the possibility that the number of snoring persons analyzed in the study is not sufficient in comparison with the total snoring persons or the sample respondents might not cover the whole snoring persons’ characteristics and behaviors. The author provides no dear evidence to corroborate the fact that the taken sample in the study would be a sufficient and appropriate representative of the the whole snoring population. Second, even if the result of the study can be substantially attributed to the whole snoring people, the author rely on no authentic information to credit his claim that many of snoring people also stop breathing frequently during the night. Also he unsubstantially concludes that such breathing interruption leads to not enough sleep and feeling tired during the day. The snoring people even having breathing difficulties might have longer sleep times that compensate for the awaken periods and do not feel weary during the day. Without considering and ruling out this and other possible reasons which weaken the author’s conclusion, he can not easily claim that many of snoring people feel tired during the day because of lack of sleep. Third, supposing the correctness of not enough sleep and the resulted tiredness, it can not suffice the less energy or motivation for doing exercises. For instance, the athletes or other people who are strongly interested in sports and physical activities follow their routine exercises without being hindered by their tiredness. In addition, the authors’ recommendation which suggests snoring people eat less and do exercises more than other people does not seem sensible while he concludes that most of these people would not be able of doing exercises. Although eating less might be a good suggestion it can belie the fact that these people suffering from dearth of relaxed sleep might suffer more if have inadequate supply of nutrition. In sum, the author fails to convince me that snoring people needs to eat less and do exercises more than other people. To bolster this recommendation he must assure me that the study results accurately reflects the whole snoring people’s habits and characteristics. To better assess the strength of the argument I would need clear statistical information about the number of people who have breathing interruptions during the night and whether these difficulties contribute to their tiredness and unwillingness to do physical activities.
In this argument the
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author
recommends that
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snore
should try to eat
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less
than the average
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person
and to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
more to avoid gaining weight. To support this recommendation, he points out a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
showing that
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snore
are more vulnerable to gain weight than are
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not
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snore
. He
also
cites that
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many
of
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snoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
face interruption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breathing
which wakes them
briefly
and can cause feeling too tired during day to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. A careful examination of this evidence reveals that it lends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
credence to this argument.

First
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
unfairly
assumes that the results of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
can be attributable to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snore
. There is the possibility that the number of
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snoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
analyzed in the
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study
is not sufficient
in comparison
with the total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
or the sample respondents
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might
not cover the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons’
characteristics and behaviors. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
provides no dear evidence to corroborate the fact that the taken sample in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
would be a sufficient and appropriate representative of
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
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whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snoring
population.

Second, even if the result of the
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study
can be
substantially
attributed to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
rely on no authentic information to credit his claim that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breathing
frequently
during the night.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
he
Possible spelling mistake found.
unsubstantially
concludes that such
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breathing
interruption leads to not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
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sleep
and feeling tired during the day. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
even having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breathing
difficulties
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
have longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
times that compensate for
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'awaken' is correct. If 'awaken' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the awaken
periods and do not feel weary during the day. Without considering and ruling out this and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
possible reasons which weaken the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author’s
conclusion, he can not
easily
claim that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel tired during the day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of sleep.

Third, supposing the correctness of not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
and the resulted tiredness, it can not suffice the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
energy or motivation for doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
.
For instance
, the athletes or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
strongly
interested in sports and physical activities follow their routine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
without
being hindered
by their tiredness.
In addition
, the
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authors’
recommendation which suggests
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snoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
eat
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less
and do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
does
not seem sensible while he concludes that most of these
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people
would not be able of doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
. Although eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
suggestion it can belie the fact that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffering from dearth of relaxed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
suffer more if have inadequate supply of nutrition.

In sum, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
fails to convince me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
needs to eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
and do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To bolster this recommendation he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
assure me that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
results
accurately
reflects the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
habits and characteristics. To better assess the strength of the argument I would need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
statistical information about the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breathing
interruptions during the night and whether these difficulties contribute to their tiredness and unwillingness to do physical activities.
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IELTS essay A new study collected data that shows that people who snore are more likely to gain weight than are people who do not snore. It is well known that many people who snore also stop breathing frequently during the night for a few seconds, a condition called

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
505 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • A new study collected data that shows that people who snore are more likely to gain weight than are people who do not snore. It is well known that many people who snore also stop breathing frequently during the night for a few seconds, a condition called