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use of internet by females

use of internet by females G38pL
The chart show Percentage of US female population who use the internet, which grouped into different age-range, on year 2000 and 2001. There has been an infinitesimal rise in percentages of two different years. Furthermore, the more old of age-group, the less percentages. At the end of the century, averagely 85 per cent of youth to young adult, from 12 to 24 years old, access the internet. While on year 2001, there is a surge of percentage in 16- to 18-year-olds girls who surfing on a network. Which mean approximate percentage in these age group might reach 90 per cent. In the group of adult to pre-elders about 7 of 10 get on the network in year 2000. But when the new century has come, percentage of them punch beyond three-quarters. At two last group, during first year of survey, just above two-fifths and a fifths of them had used internet, respectively. However, in the second year, internet user among 56- to 65-year-olds female punch through 50 per cent. Finally in the eldest group, at the beginning of new century, one of ten had new experience with internet. In summary, ratio of internet user is slightly higher in the latter year of survey.
The chart
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show
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Percentage
of US female population who
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use
the internet, which grouped into
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different
age-range, on
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year
2000 and 2001. There has been an infinitesimal rise in
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percentages
of two
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different
years.
Furthermore
, the more
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old
of age-group, the
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun percentages is countable.
less
percentages.

At the
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end
of the century,
averagely
85 per cent of youth to young adult, from 12 to 24 years
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old
, access the internet. While on
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year
2001, there is a surge of
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percentage
in 16- to 18-year-olds girls who surfing on a network.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
mean approximate
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percentage
in these age
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group
might reach 90 per cent. In the
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group
of adult to
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-elders
about 7 of 10
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get
on the network in
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year
2000.
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But
when the new century has
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come
,
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percentage
of them punch beyond three-quarters. At two last
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group
, during
first
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year
of survey,
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just
above two-fifths and
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a fifth" or simply "fifths"?
a fifths
of them had
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used
internet,
respectively
.
However
, in the second
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year
, internet user among 56- to 65-year-olds female punch through 50 per cent.
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Finally
in the eldest
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group
, at the beginning of new century, one of ten had new experience with internet.

In summary, ratio of internet user is
slightly
higher in the latter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
of survey.
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IELTS academic use of internet by females

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
203 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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