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two pie charts for two different countries

two pie charts for two different countries jVNVw
The two pie charts illustrate the proportion of money spent on various household necessities in Japan Malaysia in 2010. Overall, the data indicates that in both cases food, housing and others goods and services were the main expenses. While, both countries spend least money in the health care. It can be clear seen from the chart, in Malaysia the greatest proportion of expenditure was on housing, at 34%. While in Japan housing accounted for just 21% of the total. Similarly, in Japan the greatest single expense was other goods and services at 29%, compared with 26% in Malaysia. Furthermore, Food came second place in Japan to expense money, at 24%, while in Malaysia the actual proportion was higher which was 27%. In Japan another major expense the transport, at 20%, but this was lower in Malaysia, at 10%. Surprisingly, in both countries the smallest percentage of expenditure was on health care.
The two pie charts illustrate the proportion of money spent on various household necessities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
Malaysia in 2010.

Overall
, the data indicates that in both cases food, housing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services were the main expenses.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, both countries spend
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
money in the health care.

It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the chart, in Malaysia the greatest proportion of expenditure was on housing, at 34%. While in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
housing accounted for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
21% of the total.
Similarly
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
the greatest single
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expense
was other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services at 29%, compared with 26% in Malaysia.

Furthermore
, Food came second place in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expense
money, at 24%, while in Malaysia the actual proportion was higher which was 27%. In
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Japan
another major
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expense
the transport, at 20%,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this was lower in Malaysia, at 10%.
Surprisingly
, in both countries the smallest percentage of expenditure was on health care.

IELTS academic two pie charts for two different countries

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
151 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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