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The two pie charts illustrate the appliances which people aged from 18 to 25 years old use to watch television programmes and how this changed in a period of 10 years from 2009 to 2019

The two pie charts illustrate the appliances which people aged from 18 to 25 years old use to watch television programmes and how this changed in a period of 10 years from 2009 to 2019 X9gY
The two pie charts illustrate the appliances which people aged from 18 to 25 years old use to watch television programmes and how this changed in a period of 10 years from 2009 to 2019. It can be seen that the advance of conventional televisions to flat-screens caused substantial changes as the percentage of the former dropped significantly from 34% to a mere 4% whereas the percentage of the latter rised from 8% to 27%, marking flat-screens as the most popular TV viewing device. Furthermore, it appears that more portable devices are preferred. Particularly, the popularity of mobile phones caused an increase by almost three quarters to 26% as well as tablets whose percentage almost quadrupled to 19%. In the other hand, conventional devices such as laptops and desktop computers saw drops by 8% and 6% respectively. Overall, one can deduce from the given pie charts that modern appliances took over the older ones regarding to the TV viewing habits of young adults.
The two pie charts illustrate the appliances which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
aged from 18 to 25 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
and how this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
in a period of 10 years from 2009 to 2019.

It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the advance of conventional

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
televisions
to flat-screens caused substantial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
as the percentage of the former dropped
significantly
from 34% to a mere 4% whereas the percentage of the latter
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "rose", the past tense form of the verb 'rise'?
rised
from 8% to 27%, marking flat-screens as the most popular TV viewing device.

Furthermore
, it appears that more portable devices
are preferred
.
Particularly
, the popularity of mobile phones caused an increase by almost three quarters to 26%
as well
as tablets whose percentage almost quadrupled to 19%. In the other hand, conventional devices such as laptops and desktop computers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
drops by 8% and 6%
respectively
.

Overall
, one can deduce from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
pie charts that modern appliances took over the older ones
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
the TV viewing habits of young adults.
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IELTS academic The two pie charts illustrate the appliances which people aged from 18 to 25 years old use to watch television programmes and how this changed in a period of 10 years from 2009 to 2019

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
163 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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