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The two pie charts below shows information about the percentage of people under and over 30 feeling happy when doing five kinds of things.

The two pie charts below shows information about the percentage of people under and over 30 feeling happy when doing five kinds of things. 0a73q
The two pie charts below shows information about the percentage of people under and over 30 feeling happy when doing five kinds of things. In particular, it can be seen that thing makes people happy the most is achievement at work at the two ages are given below. Meanwhile, people under 30 when travelling to somewhere, which makes them happy the least and people over 30 when being with family have the same consequence, except for other factors. People at the age of 30 to more than that feeling achievement at work very happy, at 32%, similar to people who more than 30 years old, merely 31%. The percentage of doing hobbies also accounts for a huge number, 22% for the young people, where as this figure for elder people make up 24%, which is the second factors behind successful at work. Good appearance is one of factors help people under 30 happy, at 18%. On the other hand, people more than 30 seem to like having financial security, which stands at 20%. Finally, travelling for the young less attractive to to make them happy, merely 15% and there is 14% in the number of people love to being with their families. Other factors for two kinds of ages make up as follows 14% for younger and 10% for elder respectively.
The two pie charts below
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shows
information about the percentage of
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people
under and over 30 feeling
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happy
when doing five kinds of things.

In particular
, it can be
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seen
that thing
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makes
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
the most is achievement at work at the two ages are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
below. Meanwhile,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
under 30 when travelling to somewhere, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
the least and
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people
over 30 when being with family have the same consequence,
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except for
other factors.

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People
at the age of 30 to more than that feeling achievement at work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
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happy
, at 32%, similar to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who more than 30 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
,
merely
31%. The percentage of doing hobbies
also
accounts for a huge number, 22% for the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
Did you mean "whereas"?
where as
this figure for elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
up 24%, which is the second factors behind successful at work.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Good
appearance is one of factors
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help
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people
under 30
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happy
, at 18%.
On the other hand
,
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people
more than 30 seem to like having financial security, which stands at 20%.
Finally
, travelling for the young less attractive
Possible typo: you repeated a word
to to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
,
merely
15% and there is 14% in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to being with their families. Other factors for two kinds of ages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
up as follows 14% for younger and 10% for elder
respectively
.

IELTS academic The two pie charts below shows information about the percentage of people under and over 30 feeling happy when doing five kinds of things.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
221 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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