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the proportion of tourists

the proportion of tourists jbxnN
The graph illustrates the proportion of tourists who visited four different attractions in Edinburgh between 1980 and 2010. It is clear that the percentage of tourists who visited Scotland fluctuated. Over the period, the percentage of visitors to the aquarium and castle dropped suddenly in comparison with the zoo, while the figure for festival did not change considerably. In 1980, The proportion of tourists were about 30%, 24% and 20% respectively in the festival, castle and aquarium, but the figure for the zoo was the lowest. In 1995, there were soar to about 44% and 35% tourists respectively in the castle and aquarium, while the festival decreased slightly over 35%. The percentage of visitors to the zoo hit a peak at nearly 15%. Over a thirty-year period, the figure of tourists who visited the castle in Edinburgh remained stable around 38%. By contrast, in three attraction other fluctuated dramatically and the highest was 44%.
The graph illustrates the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
who visited four
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different
attractions in Edinburgh between 1980 and 2010.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
who visited Scotland fluctuated. Over the period, the percentage of visitors to the aquarium and castle dropped
suddenly
in comparison
with the zoo, while the figure for festival did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
considerably
.

In 1980, The proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
were about 30%, 24% and 20%
respectively
in the festival, castle and aquarium,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the figure for the zoo was the lowest. In 1995, there were soar to about 44% and 35%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
respectively
in the castle and aquarium, while the festival decreased
slightly
over 35%. The percentage of visitors to the zoo hit a peak at
nearly
15%.

Over a thirty-year period, the figure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
who visited the castle in Edinburgh remained stable around 38%. By contrast, in three attraction other fluctuated
dramatically
and the highest was 44%.

IELTS academic the proportion of tourists

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
154 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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