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the proportion of the water used in two diverse nations,

the proportion of the water used in two diverse nations, Ba1kj
The information provided in the two pie charts is concerning the proportion of the water used in two diverse nations, including Sydney, Australia between 1997 and 2007. Overall, it can be seen clearly that the vast majority of total water use was in the food industry sector whereas the least belonged to the building industry during the period. According to the data, the figure for household tasks and service industry experience upward trends. Precisely, the percentage of service major made for 13% in 1997 which doubled to 25% in 2007. Besides, the household task accounted for 19% of total water use in 1997, followed by a slight growth to 21% in 10 years later. In contrast, the remaining sectors underwent downward trends. The modest 5% of building major at the beginning of the period, but the figure decreased by 3% in 2007. Moreover, the total water used by manufacturing dropped by 4% over the 10 years. Finally, over nearly the half of total water used by food industry in 1997 which declined by 7% in 2007, however they still ranked first in total water use of all sectors
The information provided in the two pie charts
The verb 'concerning' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is concerning
the proportion of the
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water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in two diverse nations, including Sydney, Australia between 1997 and 2007.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
clearly
that the vast majority of
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total
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water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
was in the food
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industry
sector whereas the least belonged to the building
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industry
during the period.

According to the data, the figure for household tasks and service
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
experience upward trends.
Precisely
, the percentage of service major made for 13% in 1997 which doubled to 25% in 2007.
Besides
, the household task accounted for 19% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in 1997, followed by a slight growth to 21% in 10 years later.

In contrast
, the remaining sectors underwent downward trends. The modest 5% of building major at the beginning of the period,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the figure decreased by 3% in 2007.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by manufacturing dropped by 4% over the 10 years.
Finally
, over
nearly
the half of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by food
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industry
in 1997 which declined by 7% in 2007,
however
they
still
ranked
first
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of all sectors
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IELTS academic the proportion of the water used in two diverse nations,

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
187 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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