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The proportion of music sales market between 2011 and 2018 in London.

The proportion of music sales market between 2011 and 2018 in London. 1V9RL
The line graph below has demonstrated the rate of music sales between 2011 and 2018 in London. As you can see from the data, there were three different selling methods measured by the line graph. Overall, the numbers changed a lot during these proud of time in both steam selling and CDs buying. However, the selling ratio by download had been slightly up and down during this time. Based on the information provided by the chart, we can see that the streaming method was unknown and very unpopular in 2011, and it was about %5 of the music sales market. However, at that time, most musicians prefer to publish their albums on CDs because most people would like to use this kind of method to listen to their favorite songs, so about %55 of the market sales were dedicated to this method. Also, downloading was around %35 and had gradually gone up and down between this time and with a reduce of percent in 2018 it reached %30 of the music sellings market.
The line graph below has demonstrated the rate of music sales between 2011 and 2018 in London. As you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
from the data, there were three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
selling
methods measured by the line graph.

Overall
, the numbers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
a lot during these proud of time in both steam
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
selling
and CDs buying.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
selling
ratio by download had been
slightly
up and down during this time.

Based on the information provided by the chart, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the streaming method was unknown and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
unpopular in 2011, and it was about %5 of the music sales market.
However
, at that time, most musicians prefer to publish their albums on CDs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this kind of method to listen to their favorite songs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
about %55 of the market sales
were dedicated
to this method.

Also
, downloading was around %35 and had
gradually
gone up and down between this time and with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
of percent in 2018 it reached %30 of the music
Possible spelling mistake found.
sellings
market.
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IELTS academic The proportion of music sales market between 2011 and 2018 in London.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
173 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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