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the pie hart illustrates the change in the online sale in year 2003 and 2013

the pie hart illustrates the change in the online sale in year 2003 and 2013 VrbRQ
The two-pie charts shared below illustrates the proportion of four types of online sales for commercial market in New Zealand for year 2003 and 2013. Overall, it can be observed, in the initial year travelling was one of the most significant contribution of online market whereas in the later year films and song gain the audience. In year 2003, the journey sector was the most paramount revenue for the online sales with a percentage of 36%, whereas in year 2013, it showed a downfall with a percentile of 29%. Significantly, in year 2003 the cloth industry shared an escalating growth with an average of 24%, however, in the later year it didn’t gain much audience and it showed that this figure had fallen down considerably to 16%. Across the same 10 year, the book sellers didn’t gain much audience in the initial year with only 19% of selling, whereas in the year 2013, the same figure rosed to almost 3% making it a win with 22%. Other exceptional thing that can be observed is the number of people choosing to purchase cinema, making a dramatic change from 21 % to 33%, claiming it to be one of the major contributor.
The two-pie charts shared below illustrates the proportion of four types of online sales for commercial market in New Zealand for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2003 and 2013.

Overall
, it can
be observed
, in the initial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
travelling was one of the most significant contribution of online market whereas in the later
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
films and song gain the audience.

In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2003, the journey sector was the most paramount revenue for the online sales with a percentage of 36%, whereas in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2013, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a downfall with a percentile of 29%.
Significantly
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2003 the cloth industry shared an escalating growth with an average of 24%,
however
, in the later
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
it didn’t gain much audience and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that this figure had fallen down
considerably
to 16%.

Across the same 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, the book sellers didn’t gain much audience in the initial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
19% of selling, whereas in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2013, the same figure
Possible spelling mistake found.
rosed
to almost 3% making it a win with 22%. Other exceptional thing that can
be observed
is the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
choosing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
cinema, making a dramatic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
from 21 % to 33%, claiming it to be one of the major contributor.

IELTS academic the pie hart illustrates the change in the online sale in year 2003 and 2013

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
200 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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