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the pie charts show the technology releases in different contries

the pie charts show the technology releases in different contries GJrnQ
The pie charts compare the percentage of the technology launches in 6 different nations over a duration of 5 years. At first look, it is obvious from the charts that production of the technology in Europe and Japan accounted for the largest proportion between 2005 and 2010, whilst Australia was lowest over a period. In addition, the figure for China and the USA were equal in 2005. It is most noticeable from the pie charts that the proportion of the technology releases varied for countries in 2005. Japan and Europe made up the highest percentage at 31% and 30% of manufacturing the technology in 2005, respectively. However, both China and the USA had a small minority which was 12%. In addition, it witnessed an insignificant percentage in the figure for Australia and India were registered at 6% and 9%, respectively. Moving on to 2010, Japan and Europe were also the largest proportion but a decline of 6% and 2% respectively. A gradual increase of 2% was seen in the figure for China, and 3% for the USA. Furthermore, the rate of launching the technology in India went up to 12% in 2010 while Australia remained unchanged.
The pie charts compare the percentage of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
launches in 6
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations over a duration of 5 years. At
first
look, it is obvious from the charts that production of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in Europe and Japan accounted for the largest proportion between 2005 and 2010, whilst Australia was
A determiner is probably missing here: "the lowest".
lowest
over a period.
In addition
, the figure for China and the USA were equal in 2005.

It is most noticeable from the pie charts that the proportion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
releases varied for countries in 2005. Japan and Europe made up the highest percentage at 31% and 30% of manufacturing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in 2005,
respectively
.
However
, both China and the USA had a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
minority which was 12%.
In addition
, it witnessed an insignificant percentage in the figure for Australia and India
were registered
at 6% and 9%,
respectively
.

Moving on to 2010, Japan and Europe were
also
the largest proportion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a decline of 6% and 2%
respectively
. A gradual increase of 2% was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the figure for China, and 3% for the USA.
Furthermore
, the rate of launching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in India went up to 12% in 2010 while Australia remained unchanged.
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IELTS academic the pie charts show the technology releases in different contries

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
196 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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Lexical Resource: 6.0
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Grammatical Range: 6.5
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  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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