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The pie charts show the distribution of employed and unemployed people in philippines in 1932 and 1992.

The pie charts show the distribution of employed and unemployed people in philippines in 1932 and 1992. jR92w
The pie charts illustrate the information about the employed and unemployed persons in the country of Philippines in the years 1932 and 1992. Overall, in the 1932, most of people were employed in the industry sector whereas government sectors were least employed. Besides this, in 1992, services sector was significant segment, and minority of people were left unemployed.  To begin with, in 1932, government sectors were barely 3 percent in work which rose to 15 percent im 1992. On the other hand, in the beginning of era, services domain was employed with 15 percent and experienced almost two quarters of the employment in 1992. Pondering over the rest of the data, industry segment accounted for almost three times downfall from 42 percent to 15 percent. In the year 1932, agriculture and fishing domain was in work with 15 percent which dropped by 7 percent in 1992. However, in 1932, jobless people’s proportion was a quarter which went down to 10 percent in the end of era.
The pie charts illustrate the information about the
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employed
and unemployed persons in the country
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the Philippines".
of Philippines
in the years 1932 and 1992.
Overall
, in the 1932, most of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were
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employed
in the industry
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sector
whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
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sectors
were least
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employed
.
Besides
this, in 1992, services
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sector
was significant segment, and minority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
unemployed.  To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in 1932,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
were
barely
3
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percent
in work which rose to 15
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percent
Possible spelling mistake found.
im
1992.
On the other hand
, in the beginning of era, services domain was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
with 15
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
and experienced almost two quarters of the employment in 1992. Pondering over the rest of the data, industry segment accounted for almost three times downfall from 42
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
to 15
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
. In the year 1932, agriculture and fishing domain was in work with 15
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percent
which dropped by 7
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percent
in 1992.
However
, in 1932, jobless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s proportion was a quarter which went down to 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of era.
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IELTS academic The pie charts show the distribution of employed and unemployed people in philippines in 1932 and 1992.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
166 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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