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The pie charts below show the devices which people from 18 to 25 year old in canada in 2009 and 2019

The pie charts below show the devices which people from 18 to 25 year old in canada in 2009 and 2019 mXDx1
The pie charts indicate the proportion of the devices which people used for watching TV in Cannada in the years 2009 and 2019. In general, There were differences related to the increase and decrease in the percentages. The conventional TV and desktop computer and laptop group fell down substantially while the rest of group ( Mobile phone and Tablet) rose significantly. In the decline group, It is clear that conventional TV dropped dramatically from 34% in 2009 to 4% in 2019. Within 10 years, the rate of using the desktop and laptop also decreased steadily by 6% and 8% from 2009 to 2019, respectively. Moving to the rest of the group, The proportion of mobile and tablet showed that they were used commonly. The percentage of mobile went up to 26% in 2019, nearly double in comparison with 2009. Besides, the figure for laptop surged, appreciated four times, from 5% in 2009 to 19% in 2019.
The pie charts indicate the proportion of the devices which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for watching TV in
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Cannada
in the years 2009 and 2019.
In general
, There were differences related to the increase and decrease in the percentages. The conventional TV and desktop computer and laptop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
fell down
substantially
while the rest of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
Mobile phone and Tablet) rose
significantly
. In the decline
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that conventional TV dropped
dramatically
from 34% in 2009 to 4% in 2019. Within 10 years, the rate of using the desktop and laptop
also
decreased
steadily
by 6% and 8% from 2009 to 2019,
respectively
. Moving to the rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, The proportion of mobile and tablet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that they were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
commonly
. The percentage of mobile went up to 26% in 2019,
nearly
double
in comparison
with 2009.
Besides
, the figure for laptop surged, appreciated four times, from 5% in 2009 to 19% in 2019.
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IELTS academic The pie charts below show the devices which people from 18 to 25 year old in canada in 2009 and 2019

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
156 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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Lexical Resource: 6.0
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Grammatical Range: 6.5
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Task Achievement: 5.5
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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