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The pie charts below show the average Household expenditure in japan and Malaysia in the year 2010.

The pie charts below show the average Household expenditure in japan and Malaysia in the year 2010. 7lrb
The given pie charts depicts the information about the expenses in japan and Malaysia in the year 2010. It can be clearly seen that, the greatest amount of money spent on household equipments in Malaysia 34 %. In japan was invested only 21% money on housing items. Secondly, 20% expenditure was on transport in japan while 10% in Malaysia. Japan was spent two fold cost on transport. Furthermore, nearly 27% proposition spending money on food in and 24% in japan it was only 2% less than Malaysia expense. Malaysia used 3% outlay on health organisation but japan was use double amount of cost such as 6%. In Japan was spent immense money at other goods and services 29% whereas Malaysia was just 26%. Overall, Malaysia was interested huge money at housing and food materials while least money sent on health care gears. However in japan was maximum percentage on transport and food also.
The
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given
pie charts depicts the information about the expenses in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
japan
and Malaysia in the year 2010.

It can be
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that, the greatest amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spent on household equipments in Malaysia 34 %. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
japan
was invested
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
21%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on housing items.
Secondly
, 20% expenditure was on transport in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
japan
while 10% in Malaysia.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
was spent
The adjective or adverb 'twofold' needs to be written as one word.
two fold
cost on transport.

Furthermore
,
nearly
27% proposition spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on food in and 24% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
japan
it was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
2% less than Malaysia expense. Malaysia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
3% outlay on health
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
japan
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
double amount of cost such as 6%. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
was spent
immense
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
at other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services 29% whereas Malaysia was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
26%.

Overall
, Malaysia
was interested
huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
at housing and food materials while least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
on health care gears.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
japan
was maximum percentage on transport and food
also
.
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IELTS academic The pie charts below show the average Household expenditure in japan and Malaysia in the year 2010.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
153 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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