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the pie charts below compare water

the pie charts below compare water qRwm5
The information provided in the three pies are concerning the water consumed for residential, industrial and agricultural fields in three diverse places such as San Diego County, California and the world. Overall, it can be shown that the water used for households is more than industry or agriculture. In contrast, the vast majority of water usage belongs to agriculture in the world. First of all, the water consumption for domesticity ranks first in San Diego County and California which stand at 60% and 39%, correspondingly. The opposite is true for worldwide which accounts for a modest 8%. According to the water demand for agriculture, the amount of water in the world is the highest at 69% in comparison with only 28% and 17% of water usage in California and San Diego County, respectively. Finally, it is noticeable that the water for industry in San Diego County and worldwide share equal proportion at 23% while the figure for California increases by 10%, at 33%.
The information provided in the three pies
The verb 'concerning' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are concerning
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
consumed for residential, industrial and agricultural fields in three diverse places such as San Diego County, California and the world.

Overall
, it can
be shown
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for households is more than industry or agriculture.
In contrast
, the vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
usage belongs to agriculture in the world.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
consumption for domesticity ranks
first
in San Diego County and California which stand at 60% and 39%,
correspondingly
. The opposite is true for worldwide which accounts for a modest 8%. According to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
demand for agriculture, the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
in the world is the highest at 69%
in comparison
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
28% and 17% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
usage in California and San Diego County,
respectively
.

Finally
, it is noticeable that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
for industry in San Diego County and worldwide share equal proportion at 23% while the figure for California increases by 10%, at 33%.
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IELTS academic the pie charts below compare water

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
163 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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