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The pie chart below show the proportions of visit to Israel and for last year by age group by gender and type of visit.

The pie chart below show the proportions of visit to Israel and for last year by age group by gender and type of visit. PWB1p
The two pie charts illustrate the percentage of visitors who visited in previous year by age group by gender and type of visit. In an overview, it can be evident from chart that age group 45 to 54 years travelled more as compared to other groups to Ireland for last year. Both females and males visit in Ireland for the purpose of leisure visit. Explicitly, 6% of 0 to 15 years visited Irelandand whereas the age group of 55 to 64 travelled 5% more than previous group from 66 years or above and 16-24 years had same proportion that was 9% apart from that adults visited far more by 23% however the proportion of 35 to 44 years was 19% to Ireland for last year. Turning to the second chart, women visits 40% to the Ireland for the purpose of pleasure however for business visit the percentile was only 4%. moreover, men gave more preference to leisure which was 3% more than females proportion. the percentage of males were 13% for business visit.
The two pie charts illustrate the percentage of visitors who visited in previous
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year
by age
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group
by gender and type of
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visit
. In an overview, it can be evident from chart that age
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group
45 to 54 years travelled more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to other
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groups
to Ireland for last
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year
. Both females and males
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visit
in Ireland for the purpose of leisure
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visit
.
Explicitly
, 6% of 0 to 15 years visited
Possible spelling mistake found.
Irelandand
whereas the age
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group
of 55 to 64 travelled 5% more than previous
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group
from 66 years or above and 16-24 years had same
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "proportioned".
proportion
that was 9% apart from that adults visited far more by 23%
however
the proportion of 35 to 44 years was 19% to Ireland for last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
. Turning to the second chart, women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visits
40% to the Ireland for the purpose of pleasure
however
for business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visit
the percentile was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
4%.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
gave more preference to leisure which was 3% more than females proportion.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
percentage of males were 13% for business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visit
.
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IELTS academic The pie chart below show the proportions of visit to Israel and for last year by age group by gender and type of visit.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
173 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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Lexical Resource: 6.0
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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