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The percentage of old citizen age 65 and over in Japan and USA is depicted by rendered line graph.

The percentage of old citizen age 65 and over in Japan and USA is depicted by rendered line graph. 9Qbnn
Overall, it can be observed that the proportion of old people in USA was released in the beginning year while it is predicted that the percentage of that Nations will be exceeding other countries in upcoming year. To begin with, the ratio of age 65 and over in three Nation was less than 10% in 1940. However, after eight there was sharp increase mint in Japan and Sweden senior citizen from 1960 to 1980, it comprise at almost 15% in 1980. On the contrary, there was minor fall down in America older people ratio in 10 years. Moving ahead, the population of USA senior citizen was showed upward trend from 2000 to 2020. There is estimated that the percentage of aged 65 and over in USA will be so rapidly in future and it will reached above a quarter in 2040. On the other side, there was constant ratio of Japan old population between 2000 to 2020, then it will Rose dramatically in 2040. nandi Les the figure of Sweden old population was showed fluctuation trend in a decade.
Overall
, it can
be observed
that the proportion of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
was released
in the beginning year while it
is predicted
that the percentage of that Nations will be exceeding other countries in upcoming year. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the ratio of age 65 and over in three
Possible agreement error. The noun 'Nation' seems to be countable, so consider using: "Nations".
Nation
was less than 10% in 1940.
However
, after eight there was sharp increase mint in Japan and Sweden senior citizen from 1960 to 1980, it
Did you mean "comprises"?
comprise
at almost 15% in 1980.
On the contrary
, there was minor fall down in America older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
ratio in 10 years. Moving ahead, the population
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the USA".
of USA
senior citizen was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
upward trend from 2000 to 2020. There
is estimated
that the percentage of aged 65 and over
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
rapidly
in future and it will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "reach"
reached
above a quarter in 2040. On the other side, there was constant ratio of Japan
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
population
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 2000 and 2020".
between 2000 to 2020
, then it will Rose
dramatically
in 2040.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
nandi
Les the figure of Sweden
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
population was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
fluctuation trend in a decade.
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IELTS academic The percentage of old citizen age 65 and over in Japan and USA is depicted by rendered line graph.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
179 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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