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The percentage of computer ownership between 2002 and 2010, and, Also the level of education of the people between 2002 and 2010

The percentage of computer ownership between 2002 and 2010, and, Also the level of education of the people between 2002 and 2010 pJMkL
The graph here states the percentage of computer ownership between 2002 and 2010, and, Also the level of education of the people between 2002 and 2010 We can conclude from the graph that computer owner ship is increasing from 2002 to 2010. In 2002 it starts with approximately 60% and then increases to around 80% in 2010. According to the graph, education level has increased as computer ownership increase. We can understand that in 2002 only around 35% of people are high school graduate while in 2010 this number has increased to almost 70%. not only high school graduate has rose but many other parts of education including bachelor's degrees and postgraduate qualification also. The impact of computers on our lives is huge. Not only education has increased with computer but many other things too. Higher education means better community and population with less crimes and much better economy that will make life better.
The graph here states the percentage of computer ownership between 2002 and 2010, and,
Also
the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
between 2002 and 2010

We can conclude from the graph that computer owner ship is increasing from 2002 to 2010. In
The comma is probably missing here: "2002, it".
2002 it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
with approximately 60% and then increases to around 80% in 2010.

According to the graph,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
level has increased as computer ownership increase. We can understand that in 2002
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
around 35% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are high school graduate while in 2010 this number has increased to almost 70%.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
high school graduate has
Use the past participle "risen" after the modal (auxiliary) verb 'has'.
rose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other parts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
including bachelor's degrees and postgraduate qualification
also
.

The impact of computers on our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
is huge. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has increased with computer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other things too. Higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
means better community and population with
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun crimes is countable.
less
crimes and much better economy that will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
life better.

IELTS academic The percentage of computer ownership between 2002 and 2010, and, Also the level of education of the people between 2002 and 2010

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
154 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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